Fighting like hell to beat the graph

A couple days ago, I posted a graph about first year teachers' attitudes toward teaching. I said that I think it's pretty accurate so far. I've been feeling really discouraged about the lack of any signs of progress or improvement in my kids' academic performance and behavior. In fact, things seemed to be getting worse each day. Whole notebooks being thrown instead of the occassional paper ball, three kids out of 30 turning in homework instead of the usual five, kids outwardly saying that they're not learning anything, etc... General, overall shittiness. I can't imagine a more dejected feeling than the one you get after working 12+ hr days every day (and lots of wknds) and completely pouring yourself into something- then watching it not only fail, but actually get WORSE. I was upset with TFA for putting me in a school by myself and not providing the type of support I was expecting. I was mad at my kids for being little assheads. I could feel myself getting more and more jaded, and I was hitting my snooze each morning one more time than the day before.

It sounds like I'm building to some kind of major turning point, but I'm not really. The class that I see three periods/day is still out of control, but I AM starting to feel a little bit better. I just couldn't help but notice that that graph has me at disillusionment into early January. That's a looong rut. So I've decided that I need to dig my way out asap and beat the graph.

So last weekend, I worked out, made a somewhat healthy hotdish so I would stop eating nasty convenience foods for every meal, and I dropped $40 on binder dividers for my kids. I completely revamped my grading and homework policy in hopes that it will be easier for them to understand and manage. A few days ago, I gave a pep talk to my kids about bouncing back from the Ds and Fs the majority of them earned, and veery carefully explained the new policies. We'll see how it goes. But the point is that I'm trying to do things to give myself (and the kids, of course) some hope. Because getting out of bed is really hard without it.

I had parent-teacher conferences the last two nights, so I'm exhausted. But today was a promising day. (Conferences will have to be a whole other entry. They were informative, depressing, encouraging, and shocking.) I think a lot of my students got chewed out or beaten for their grades, so some of them are showing sooome signs of a turnaround.

One of my classes was ANGELIC today. I think it was fluke. I felt like I was in a dream... Or someone else's classroom with someone else's kids- but they were ALL on task during class. My principal came in and told them they were doing a fabulous job (which blew me away bc she's neeever positive) and she told them to "give your brilliant teacher a hand. She believed in you before she met you- when you were just a name on a paper." With confused looks on their faces, they reluctantly started clapping because I think they mostly just see me as a bitchy teacher who's always yelling "FOCUS!!!" Hehe. When she left, I said, "Did you hear that guys? I'm brilliant! Who knew?!" They laughed. Some also said, "She (the principal) talks too much," so I don't think they were overwhelmingly touched by her praise, but that's ok. It was a completely random thing for her to do, and it was funny, if nothing else. (And I DID notice that a couple of the kids were actually nodding and smiling at me as they clapped. YEAH!)

So, that's my story. Things with my other classes are faaaar from good yet, and this angelic class may show their little devil horns again tomorrow, but WOW did I enjoy today's little victory. So for now, here's to baby steps. Baby steps toward a big "fuck you" to the graph! :)

Why my family RULES

I got a small package from my family today that made me feel incredibly lucky to have them. It contained a couple burned CDs by artists I really like, a small sign that says "I am powerful." and a card. Nothing fancy. The sign was just something my sister found around her office and thought would be fitting for my classroom, but I love it. The CDs were simple, but nothing provides the extra boost you need during the day better than some good music. The card was awesome. I'm going to type out the preprinted text just to procrastinate my grad school work a little longer and relive that tingly feeling I got when I read it. :)

(Cover:) Knowing you worked so hard is going to make reaching your goal all the more sweet...
(Inside:) ...so just keep looking forward, and know that if you need reminding about how far you've come, where you're going, and what an incredible person you are for taking this journey, please let us know- because we really admire and support you.

You're warm and tingly too now, aren't you? :)

They know I've been feeling pretty discouraged lately so I guess they decided to take action. I love my fam.

Stupid, accurate graph!

That's about right.

Didn't see that one coming...

My school is closing at the end of the year.

This was announced to the staff at yesterday's professional development meeting and was met with a wide range of reactions among our tiny staff. I was pretty shocked and somewhat upset by the news. Although my kids really do make me crazy some days, and I am often frustrated with the lack of resources and organization at the school, there's something to be said for the fact that I AM building something there. My kids are starting to trust me and count on me. The idea of the school just not existing next year and the very real chance that my students will just be scattered among various schools does make me kind of sad. Remember how hard it was to make friends and start to feel settled in 7th grade? (If you don't, then you were probably a 'cool kid' and I didn't like you :) ) Well, a lot of them are going through that right now, and they'll have to do it all again next year. But they'll be entering schools with classes that were already together for 6th and 7th grade. I know I'm being a bit sensitive about this, but it does make me sad. The silver lining however, is that I think it's given me the kick in the ass I needed to keep pushing myself to make this a great year for them.

There's actually a pretty crazy twist in addition to all of this, but I don't think I should get too far into it on a public web site. Too many politics involved. Call me if you want to hear the details. Sorry to be mysterious and weird about it, but this is a mysterious and weird situation, so there you go.