Fighting like hell to beat the graph

A couple days ago, I posted a graph about first year teachers' attitudes toward teaching. I said that I think it's pretty accurate so far. I've been feeling really discouraged about the lack of any signs of progress or improvement in my kids' academic performance and behavior. In fact, things seemed to be getting worse each day. Whole notebooks being thrown instead of the occassional paper ball, three kids out of 30 turning in homework instead of the usual five, kids outwardly saying that they're not learning anything, etc... General, overall shittiness. I can't imagine a more dejected feeling than the one you get after working 12+ hr days every day (and lots of wknds) and completely pouring yourself into something- then watching it not only fail, but actually get WORSE. I was upset with TFA for putting me in a school by myself and not providing the type of support I was expecting. I was mad at my kids for being little assheads. I could feel myself getting more and more jaded, and I was hitting my snooze each morning one more time than the day before.

It sounds like I'm building to some kind of major turning point, but I'm not really. The class that I see three periods/day is still out of control, but I AM starting to feel a little bit better. I just couldn't help but notice that that graph has me at disillusionment into early January. That's a looong rut. So I've decided that I need to dig my way out asap and beat the graph.

So last weekend, I worked out, made a somewhat healthy hotdish so I would stop eating nasty convenience foods for every meal, and I dropped $40 on binder dividers for my kids. I completely revamped my grading and homework policy in hopes that it will be easier for them to understand and manage. A few days ago, I gave a pep talk to my kids about bouncing back from the Ds and Fs the majority of them earned, and veery carefully explained the new policies. We'll see how it goes. But the point is that I'm trying to do things to give myself (and the kids, of course) some hope. Because getting out of bed is really hard without it.

I had parent-teacher conferences the last two nights, so I'm exhausted. But today was a promising day. (Conferences will have to be a whole other entry. They were informative, depressing, encouraging, and shocking.) I think a lot of my students got chewed out or beaten for their grades, so some of them are showing sooome signs of a turnaround.

One of my classes was ANGELIC today. I think it was fluke. I felt like I was in a dream... Or someone else's classroom with someone else's kids- but they were ALL on task during class. My principal came in and told them they were doing a fabulous job (which blew me away bc she's neeever positive) and she told them to "give your brilliant teacher a hand. She believed in you before she met you- when you were just a name on a paper." With confused looks on their faces, they reluctantly started clapping because I think they mostly just see me as a bitchy teacher who's always yelling "FOCUS!!!" Hehe. When she left, I said, "Did you hear that guys? I'm brilliant! Who knew?!" They laughed. Some also said, "She (the principal) talks too much," so I don't think they were overwhelmingly touched by her praise, but that's ok. It was a completely random thing for her to do, and it was funny, if nothing else. (And I DID notice that a couple of the kids were actually nodding and smiling at me as they clapped. YEAH!)

So, that's my story. Things with my other classes are faaaar from good yet, and this angelic class may show their little devil horns again tomorrow, but WOW did I enjoy today's little victory. So for now, here's to baby steps. Baby steps toward a big "fuck you" to the graph! :)