I'm not a corps member. I'm a NYC public school teacher.

Maybe it's because I am the only TFA corps member at my school. Maybe it's because I've been really put off by the alcohol drenched TFA social scene and have therefor really only connected well with a handful of fellow corps members. Maybe it's because I've grown somewhat disillusioned after realizing that just working harder and harder and harder still might not be enough to change some things in my classroom, no matter what my TFA training told me.

Whatever combination of these factors might be at play, I do not really associate myself with TFA. I am a New York City public school teacher. And though it will send me to a earlier grave than probably any other career choice I could have made, I do feel some pride in that title. Much more pride than when someone refers to me as a "corps member."

Between my experience at the education nonprofit that worked with eight messed up public elementary schools in DC, and my work now that has me in the trenches of a remarkably disfunctional NYC public school, I have grown angry, passionate, and emotionally invested in urban education. So I think I want to stay in it for the long haul. Living a long life is overrated, right? I'll just live a short, crazy one. :) I haven't decided yet in what capacity, but I think I belong in education. Right now, I'm liking the idea of getting into administration, but we'll see. Anyway, I think 'NYC public school teacher' implies a long-term professional career choice, while 'corps member' implies a short-term bout of blind idealism straight out of college. I had my curious, do-gooder year as an Americorps volunteer last year. I signed up for TFA because I wanted to get my foot in the door to education as affordably as possible- and keep it there.

There is no real reason for or clear focus to this post. I just returned from 8 1/2 hours of grad school classes with all of the other TFA NYC '05 corps members. These classes generally make me reflect on three things:

1. I really like studying, talking about, and working in education- even if I dramatically claim on some days that it's the worst job on earth. :)
2. I feel absolutely no connection to TFA.
3. Am I socially awkward?

We have these all-day classes once/month, and the rest of our work is done online. Which means that I'm only made keenly aware of my total lack of TFA connections once every four weeks. And that's enough for me. I should probably put more effort into getting more connected and cultivating more TFA friendships, but the truth is that I'd just rather not. This isn't a jab at TFA, TFA culture, or TFA people. They're people who work hard and play hard. That part is fine. But at no point in my TFA journey have I ever felt that I was actually a part of it. I have such limited contact with anything TFA related that when I am at a TFA function, I feel awkward and out of place.

I have this socially backward need to get to know people, find them interesting, get comfortable with them, and become friends with them before I can have much fun drinking with them. But in TFA... and most any business or organization, it works in the opposite order. You go to socials and happy hours, drink to lose your inhibitions, and then become friends. The only time that order works for me is when I'm with a core group of 'my people' :) and 'their people' meet us out. Then we can all eat, drink, and be merry. But I'm simply no good in the context of going out with a group of surface friends and acquaintences. I never have fun. I don't 'network' well. And for this reason, I'm convinced that I'm kind of socially awkward and would never make it in a corporate setting. Because it's all about networking, and I'm not.

I told you this was a directionless post! hehe...