Silly freshman

I feel like a freshman in college.

1. Yesterday, I ordered a laptop (actually Nitin ordered it for me because he knows more about computers and he's really nice sometimes.) So, I'll be all set with my brand new computer for my first day of school! YEAH! :)

2. Then today I sat down with all seven of my TFA pre-Institute curriculum books, and started to chip away at the TFA-estimated FORTY-THREE HOURS of assigned readings. After roughly 30 pages of: "just because your students are minorities and are performing well below grade level, does not mean that they are hopeless," - stated in umpteen different ways, I determined that I would stop being such a silly freshman and NOT read every word of it.

Anyway....
I don't mean to minimize the value of that message. It's obviously something that I strongly believe, or I wouldn't be in my current line of work, and I wouldn't be pursuing TFA. But honestly? 120 pages to say it? The fact is... being a 23-year-old white female in a classroom of African-American 12-15 year-olds is going to present its share of challenges. Race will inevitably be an issue. I feel somewhat ready for that.

I wasn't ready a year ago, but my job this year has really helped me to begin wrapping my head around what I should expect. During dinner at one of my non-profit's events a few months ago, a parent yanked the arm of her child who had chosen to sit down next to me and start talking. The woman glared at me as she snapped at her child, "You get away from her!" As she pulled her child away and seated her at another table, I heard her say something about "that white girl." I was speechless for a few seconds, then started to realize how crazy it was that I had made it through 23 years of living without EVER being the object of any form of racism. It was a humbling moment, as I started to comprehend how naive I am. The families I was working with week after week had probably experienced many forms of racism throughout their lives. Whether in the form of outward comments and actions like that night at dinner, or in more subtle forms, like skeptical glances or unspoken assumptions. Obviously, this one experience of mine and the handful of others like it that I've encountered this year have not made me a new person.

I am not claiming to understand anyone's situation or experiences. I know I am light years away from being 'worldly' or 'experienced' or fully capable of ridding myself of all internal biases or assumptions. All I am getting at is that it cannot be taught in books.

Prior to moving to D.C., I had taken my share of courses that dealt with multiculturalism and cultural sensitivity in some form or another. And I thought I had a good handle on it. I would never in a million years have considered myself racist or classist, or even anything close to it. But it wasn't until I spent some time in 'under-resourced' neighborhoods, and got acquainted with several 'low-income' families that I began to understand what those labels mean and what effect they have on those to whom they have been assigned.

I started to really pay attention to my initial reactions to things that I heard and saw. I came to realize that I was full of judgments. I did have my biases. And I realized that I had no concept of how profoundly our experiences had differed. In getting to know some of the families I've worked with, I've since learned to approach each situation and individual with a much more open mind. Again, I am faaaar from perfect in this arena... but I think that most people are. And I don't think that reading books alone will change that. While TFA's 120 pages are a valiant attempt at taking on a huge and unspeakably important issue, I have little hope that it will accomplish a fraction of what it aims to.

I don't mean to sound dark and cynical. I just really think that experience allows someone to understand and internalize something as complicated and ingrained as race relations and biases more than any book ever could.... to the point that reading the book is allllmost a waste of time. So I'll stop being a silly freshman who reads every word, and I'll skim it in search of anything interesting that deviates from the redundant 'you're students aren't hopeless' message. Because I think I've got that part down as much as I can at this point.

Ok. Back to reading the other six books.