Teaching Rookie

Dizzy

2006-08-30T21:27:00.000-04:00

I have no concept of time right now. The last two months have gone by faster than any previous two months of my life, and my head is spinning as I try to figure out what I did with my ‘summer.’ – you know, summer, that coveted perk that everyone envies teachers for. Now, I don’t want to make any grand policy-related statements here, but I just have to throw this out there. Most teachers don’t plant their asses on a beach for three months straight, sipping margaritas and devouring satisfying literature, as is commonly thought among the non-teaching population. I’m sure some teachers do, and I’m as jealous of them as you are.

But then there are the rest of us—those of us New Yorkers who had school until June 28th, thereby immediately trimming our summer down to a lean 2 months. Then I attended three full-time weeks of unpaid trainings, peppered throughout those two precious months, per my principal’s extremely strong suggestions (slash orders), leaving one broken up month worth of time remaining. Did I mention that I was taking two online grad classes July 14th-August 23rd? Pffff!!! Online courses. Cake, right? HA! Yeah, they fooled me too, but those heartless bastards assigned ~200 pages of reading/week with papers and responses to classmates’ papers due every week. I wrote well over 100 pages worth of papers this summer, so that shaved off a nice chunk of time as well. Then I received word that, despite the illegality of it, my principal announced that we are all required to come to school before our contracted start date to set up our classrooms on our own time. He informed us that we would not be given time during the two days before the students’ arrival because he has staff development planned for us. So that’s another unpaid yet required work week for setting up my room. (Side note: On my first day to my school to set up my classroom, some jackass in the subway station decided he needed my phone more than I did and stole it out of my hands and ran with it. It was a nice welcome to the neighborhood.) Add in the summer planning meetings I had with other teachers and the time spent creating materials for my classroom and curriculum, and you’re down to just a handful of actual, responsibility-free ‘summer’ days.

As I said, I’m not making any grand statements about teacher pay here because there certainly are a number of teachers out there who truly do soak up a long, restful vacation in the sun. All I’m aiming for in this post is to open the eyes of a few “teachers have it easy”- sayers out there. Some of us work our asses off year-round and see less money than the custodians who don’t help us move furniture or clean out our mouse-infested classrooms come late August. So stop envying us! Some of us chose this line of work because we love our students and would do anything for them, not for the great benefits and sweet vacation time. So do me a favor and next time you hear someone say, “Man, teachers have it so easy,” punch them in the face. Tell them that the good teachers don’t leave school every day at 3pm and don’t have vast stretches of any real vacation.

Hehe… this was such a stupid, self-wallowing, soapbox post. My apologies. I just really can’t believe school is starting tomorrow- on my birthday(!) before I felt like my summer even began. But it’s time to suck it up, stop feeling sorry for myself, and shape some young minds. :)

It doesn't get much better than this :)

2006-06-10T19:12:00.000-04:00

"Miss, you our favorite teacher. Partly 'cuz you're mad good at teaching, and partly 'cuz you a woman, and you show us that men aren't the only strong ones."

Winning quotes like that one make every hard day sooooo worth it. I love my job.

:)

A disheartening low point as the year's end nears

2006-05-18T20:34:00.000-04:00

ELA students,

I will not yell over you, and I will not tolerate the disrespect that has been shown in this room over the last couple days. Get to class on time, expect to work while you are in this room, and save the bad attitudes, talking back, and insults for some place less important.

This is an English class. You will use the skills we are building in this class for the rest of your life. Not caring about your reading and writing skills means not caring about your future. You deserve only the best, and I know what you’re capable of because I’ve seen it at various points throughout the year. Don’t sell yourself short by blowing off opportunities to grow and improve.

We said from the beginning of the year that in room ###, we are a team, and we are scholars. Act like it. It both sickens and saddens me to watch my students tear each other apart with insults, shoving, and hitting. By June 28th, we will have spent 180 days together- 270 hours in this classroom alone. We have been through great days and terrible days together. Like it or not, we are a team. Teams stick together until the end. They don’t fall apart and give up on themselves 29 days from the end.

I care too much about each and every one of you to watch our class take steps backward and go back on all the progress we’ve made. Throughout the year, some of you have insulted my appearance from head to toe, called me names, cursed me out, damaged my books, stolen from me, prank called me on the cell phone number I trusted you with, shoved each other into me, threatened me, thrown things at me, and even straight up told me you hated me. I’d be lying if I told you that that abuse didn’t leave its mark, but none of it has stopped me from believing in a single one of you. The fact that I know what you’re capable of and my desire to make you realize it for yourself are what get me here every morning. All of that other stuff seems small compared to the high hopes and expectations I have for each of you.

We have six weeks left together. Your grades are not fully determined yet, and it is up to you to decide what you’re capable of and go after it. If you’ve been giving this class, or school in general, less than your best, ask yourself why, and decide how you’re going to change it. Change it for yourself and for those around you who care about their education.

Love,

Ms. ----------

Upon distributing and reading this letter to one of my classes, they laughed. I cried. It was a bad day.

Does anyone shit on the floor at your work place?

2006-05-18T20:33:00.000-04:00

I didn’t think so. I wish I could say ‘no’ also, but this week, a student decided to defecate on the boys’ bathroom floor as an act of defiance. If you can’t make a statement with words because you screwed around in your English classes for the last 8 years, I suppose this is the next most viable option. Sorry. I don’t mean to make light of this. I understand that the person who did this obviously has severe anger management and expression issues, and I am not trying to imply that all of my students exhibit these crude, animalistic ways, but wow. Just when you think they’ve done it all, they come up with something like this. The entire floor of our building was filled with a nauseating stench, and I couldn’t help but wonder, “How did I get here?”

Poetry from today's prep period

2006-05-16T17:54:00.000-04:00

Anger

The bubble that forms in my throat
As I take a deep breath and blink back
Tears of indescribable frustration.

The tightening sensation around my heart
As I watch those who won’t let me
Help them help themselves.

The tensing of every muscle in my jaw
As I stand before someone
Who thinks what I have to say is a waste.

The boiling emotion that dwells deep down
As I run through plans A-Z,
Watching each fall short.

The hollow feeling that overwhelms me
As I listen to my students show and tell me
That they do not care.

The fading desire to hold my head and hopes high
As they prove again and again that
Their future seems to matter more to me than to them.

The deep breath I have to take
As I watch the garbage that pollutes my students’ minds.
Don’t let it take you over. Rise above it. You’re better.

The racing heartbeat that picks up
As I feel myself believe so strongly
In people who don’t seem to believe in themselves.

Social promotion is not over

2006-05-11T17:19:00.000-04:00

Despite Bloomberg's announcement this summer that there will be no more social promotion for 7th graders in NYC, it is still in full swing. While making some copies after school the other day, I heard my principal discussing one of our female students with another staff member, "Just pass her. There's no point in her staying back. She's cute enough. Some guy will at least make sure she's got an apartment to stay in."

Keep dreaming big for our kids, oh great administrator.

A must-see show about public education in NYC

2006-05-08T18:19:00.000-04:00

This past Saturday, I had the privilege of seeing Nilaja Sun’s performance of "No Child."

'No Child', written and performed by Nilaja Sun, is a tour-de-force look into the New York City Public Education system by the acclaimed teaching-artist and solo-performer. Ms. Sun transforms into the teachers, students, parents, administrators, janitors and security guards who inhabit our public schools every day and are shaping the future of America. Hal Brooks directs. — TheaterSource

In all honesty, I was not expecting much from the show. I did not think that one woman on a stage with only a couple props, one simple set, and no costume changes would be able to entertain me for an hour and 15 minutes. I have never been more wrong.

Sun proved to be an astoundingly dynamic performer, using her expressive body, face, and voice to captivate every member of the audience for the full show time. In the blink of an eye, she transformed from an aged custodian, to a timid first-year teacher, to a drama coach, to a defiant male student, to a sassy diva female student…and the list goes on.

As a NYC public school teacher, I can attest to the accuracy with which Sun captured each role she assumed. I was entertained, challenged, and moved by this outstanding story and performance.

Please spread the word about this show to everyone you know. THIS is the kind of glimpse into public education that people need to see. It puts a face and a story to what really goes on in schools every day— It sheds light on the complexity of today’s urban education issues in a way that no education policy paper or speech ever could. It’s honest, real, heartfelt, and, in a word, phenomenal.

Please see the link below for ticket info. (Educators get a discount!)
http://www.ticketcentral.com/showdetails_f.asp?i=739

Breeding and capes

2006-04-26T16:21:00.000-04:00

From a recent conversation with an Americorps friend:

Me: my issue right now is that i've finally managed to motivate some kids to write but can't help them all at once. 30:1 is a tough ratio, and group writing conferences haven't been going well

Friend: i think about 15% of the national workforce needs to be in eductation simply to reduce that number... and show the little people we're breeding that we're glad we bred them

Me: i think i'm going to start wearing a spandex jumpsuit and a cape to work

Their words can describe my days better than mine...

2006-04-11T17:59:00.000-04:00

A small collection of my students' quotes:

Mid-lesson, a girl in the front row yells out, "Miss, why your eyelashes short some days and long some days? Today they short!"

"Miss, you my best teacher. I'm not even lyin'. You mad good."

Mid-lesson, I had the nerve to interrupt a gossip session between two of my students, and I got: "Stay out my business! No one's talkin' to you! You always startin' with me!"

"I'm not yellin'! THIS IS ME YELLIN'!!"

"Miss, you mad strict. You always writin' stuff and callin' people's houses-n-shit."

"I don't need you tellin' me what to do. You not my mother. Last time I checked, my mother was dead."

Some students recently discovered the circuit box and have taken to turning off the power in my room on a daily basis. Good times. Yet they still yell out, "This school broke. They can't even afford lights."

"Miss, you a good teacher. You sensitive, but you mad strict. Yours is the only class where we learn anything." (Maybe I should teach the verb "are" so I could accept that compliment with a warm fuzzy feeling instead of cringing at the bad grammar and feeling guilty that they haven't gotten that yet. :)

I called the office FIVE TIMES today, trying to get someone to come get the student in my class who was screaming at me, and I got the secretary's voicemail each time. Great message to the other students in the room. Do what you want. Your teacher has absolutely no power, and you can get away with anything in this school, consequence-free. Not to mention the huge safety hazard. What if I'd been calling someone to break up a fight? The only bldg. security is on the 1st floor. I'm on the 5th.

In summary...
I need a break. I'm burnt. And my eye twitch is back with a vengence. There are only a few feelings worse than the one you get when you're standing in front of 30 kids who are learning absolutely nothing, you're desperately trying to bring them back under control, and your eye is twitching like no one's business... Oh, then you go to the bathroom and discover that you've sat in gum, despite the half dozen 'ABSOLUTELY NO GUM IN 502' signs you've posted everywhere. That's a bad feeling. Just ONE more day with my 90 11-14 year-old darlings, then I'm homebound to see my cute, squishy baby nephew. SERENITY NOW!!!

Two Lucy Calkins days

2006-04-10T20:15:00.000-04:00

Thursday and Friday of last week were, without question, the two greatest days of my (young) teaching career. I see two classes for double periods of English Language Arts every day. Until last week, those two classes had NEVER had a good day on the same day. Then Thursday happened. I don’t know how or why. The world must have fallen off its axis, the stars must have realigned, the gods of education must have smiled upon me. BOTH classes had a great day. Really great. They read. They wrote. They participated. They were into the lessons. (warning- eduspeak buzz words ahead) I “differentiated” my instruction. I had insightful, helpful one-on-one reading and writing conferences. The kids were actively engaged. They were thinking, talking, writing.

For those two glorious days, my classroom was functioning a lot like those that I’ve read about in so many professional development books. (Well, other than that my kids were reading and writing 2-4 years behind their grade level… details details!) I was so blown away by their performance that I even made them cookies to celebrate our decently productive week, and more importantly, our amazing two days. They loved the cookies. All was well. I went into work happy and ready for another three days just like Thursday and Friday to launch me into spring break on Wednesday afternoon wearing a big ole smile. No such luck. My kids sure hate their Mondays and everyone and everything they encounter on Mondays. But I want to keep this as a positive post, so yeah Thursday and Friday. Here’s my belated hurrah for those two magnificent days of successful teaching.

Monday, Monday…. can’t trust (myself) that day

2006-03-27T19:34:00.000-05:00

I’m realizing that my mind plays tricks on itself…like clockwork, the same tricks every week. EVERY Friday- without fail- I delude myself into believing that next week will be GREAT! I stay late at school, grade student work, slap a half dozen new positive messages on the few remaining open inches of wall space, decide on yet another organizational system to ‘help things run a bit more smoothly,’ and go home high on Mr. Sketch marker fumes and optimism.

Next week… yeah!

Then Saturday comes… an overwhelming sense of entitlement washes over me as I roll out of bed a couple hours later than I do M-F. I am not doing ANY work today. I DESERVE this day off. Suddenly all of my brilliantly ambitious Friday afternoon ideas seem less urgent. I somehow believe that everything can be accomplished on Sunday. New seating charts! New grading systems! New discipline measures! New lessons! Grad assignments! SUNDAY!!! No problem. I’ve got allll day Sunday. Today is SATURDAY, and the world is my playground! So off I go to explore NYC and enjoy my day- usually with my fun, wonderful, infinitely supportive boyfriend.

Infinitely supportive? Why yes. Because when Sunday and its infinite to-do list strikes in all its horror, he is still with me, left to deal with a whole new person. He fell asleep with a happy, relaxed, fun-loving girlfriend, and woke up to a frazzled, disgruntled woman who resents everyone who doesn’t work 12 hours, 6 days/week. Watch out. I am admittedly unpleasant company on Sundays.

So I spend Sunday cranking out lessons and grad papers and grading assignments that force me to accept that my students aren’t learning a fraction of what I so desperately want them to. Then the self-doubt. Am I a bad teacher? Why aren’t they learning more? How is it possible that I still haven’t succeeded at making them want to learn? What’s wrong with me? I bet all the other first year teachers out there have made more progress than me. I suck. That’s the only explanation.

Then frustration and self ridicule. Then hyperactive work ethic to overcompensate. Ok. Fine. Maybe I’ve sort of sucked at getting them invested up to this point, but NOW I’m going to work even harder to make sure I have killer lessons that you’d have to be brain dead not to enjoy and learn from! So I work like a beast for several hours straight, stopping only to make manic comments to Infinitely Supportive, ranging from “I rule! This lesson is brilliant!” to “For the love of god, HOW is posting this annoying grad assignment taking me so long? Can you email the idiots who run this terrible site and tell them how to fix this?”

Productive. Progress. Good stuff. But not enough. The 6pm bell in my mind tolls. (I have a finely tuned internal clock.) This is the home stretch. Just three and a half hours until I’d ideally be in bed for a perfect eight hours of sleep to start my week strong, and I’m hungry, so that whole eating thing is going to cost me some time. Estimated number of hours of work remaining: 6. Sonofa!!! Ok. No new seating chart. No new grading system. No draft of a school wide detention plan. Just the essentials. Finish up the must-dos. Table the should dos.

I usually make it to bed around 10, but I tend not to sleep well on Sunday nights. When the alarm goes off at 5:30am, I groan with dread. I just CAN’T get up. I’m soooo tired! Infinitely Supportive gives me an encouraging hug and wishes me a great day, eager for me to get up so he can sprawl out and sleep diagonally for four more hours. Envy. Then shower.

My shower readies me for my day. It’s game time. As I make my way to work, I return to my Friday afternoon belief that it’s going to be a great week. I worked hard yesterday. I’ve got a small arsenal of solidly interesting lesson plans loaded up on my clipboard in my backpack. I’m ready for my great week now.

Monday wears on, and the passing of each class period deflates me a bit more. This doesn’t look, sound or feel like the beginnings of a great week. In fact. This blows. They’re not listening. They’re not doing the assignments. They’re still throwing paper balls. They’re still yelling. Still cursing. Still not learning half of what I’m trying to teach. Annoyed students who feel they are being overworked and inconvenienced by my instructions yell out, “Miss! It’s Monday! We shouldn’t haffta do no work!” Through their actions, the majority of my students communicate to me that they would prefer to be ignorant.

I go home sad and frustrated. Sad because MY students aren’t learning. MY students who I care deeply about, who I work very hard for, who I want the best for, who still do not show me the respect I should have earned months ago. Frustrated with their resistance. Frustrated with my emotional attachment to my work and my inability to follow everyone’s advice NOT to let it bring me down. Frustrated that I’ve tricked myself yet again into believing this week will be different. Frustrated that I don’t have an answer for friends and family who ask me why I thought so.

Monday, Monday…

Good stuff

2006-03-21T18:05:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day.

I got in a big, loud argument with my principal about the total absence of a discipline system in our school. Examples: A student threatened me, and the principal had no plans of suspending her or taking any other action. Yesterday, another student brought a knife to school, and he was sitting in all of his regular classes today as if nothing had happened. Another student called me a dumb bitch today, and still another told me that he was about to deck me. No real consequences for any of the above.

So I let it all out behind the principal’s closed office door, expressing that I find something very wrong with the fact that we pay no attention to students’ or teachers’ safety. I explained that there HAVE to be some intermediary steps between a teacher saying, “Hey stop doing that,” and a suspension- because we only do suspensions for the most serious offenses, like physically injuring someone. Our school is in utter chaos because of the absence of those intermediary steps.

BUT

As I said, today was a good day. Despite all of the above. Drumroll please... I made a student LIKE a book. Go ahead. Laugh. "It's mid-March!" you say. "You're an English teacher!" you say. "You're supposed to be making kids like books every day." Psssh. In my 7.5 months of teaching, I have had very few breakthroughs with my students. I've cracked the shells of some very reluctant writers, and I've won over some tough personalities, but I definitely haven't "reached" nearly as many kids as I'd hoped when I first started, and though I hate to say it, I have not led many kids to like many books. BUT TODAY I DID!!! :)

It was fantastic! We were just talking through the plot of the book and analyzing some of the characters when I realized that she had missed some of the big points in the book because she didn't pick up on some of the simple clues along the way.

Anyway, it got me thinking about a couple things:

#1: I wish that classwide novels weren't damned under Balanced Literacy curriculum because it's kind of impossible for me to read 60 young adult novels at a time. So I can't have these in-depth meaningful conversations with all of my students because I haven't always read what they're reading. If we could do class-wide novels, yes, some kids would find them too easy and others would find them too difficult, but that's what the classwork and small group discussions would be for. We could all learn new vocabulary together, analyze plots, characters, etc. But under Balanced Literacy- which is what NYC is all about right now- every student reads their own book at their own level. The teacher then conducts reading conferences to check their comprehension and help them along. This is an excellent idea if the teacher has read every book in the classroom library. I have not. I have a feeling I will love Balanced Literacy after I have a few more years of experience under my belt. But right now, I'm finding it difficult for our conferences to be meaningful and helpful because I haven't read a lot of their books. I'm especially struggling with teaching and assessing vocabulary. I need to consult with more experienced teachers on how to do a better job of this.

#2: I've been reading a lot of YA novels, but I obviously need to burn through them more quickly.

#3: My students don't hate everything I put in front of them just for the sake of hating it and being difficult. They're probably just not GETTING a lot of it. You read exactly that in every teaching book out there, but it's still sometimes hard to convince yourself that the kid isn't just being a brat when they're screaming out in the middle of class. "All these books SUCK!" Even though we have tons of 4th and 5th grade level books in our 7th grade library, some of my students are still not fully understanding the plots and characters. This is good to know- and actually believe, as opposed to just describing this phenomenon and still believing the kids are being brats.

#4: I like my job sometimes. :)

Ok, off to grade lots-n-lots-n-lots of assignments because I'm behind. Oops.

Ooo-oooooo chiiild, things are gonna get easier...

2006-03-07T18:24:00.000-05:00

Or are they? No, seriously. It's March. I've been singing this Oo-ooo child song to myself everyday after school for six months now. Is it possible that my theme song is total bullshit?! I shudder at the mere thought! :)

Honestly though, things in my classroom are still pretty horrendous. Sure, now each of my classes might have one period/week (out of the 10 periods that I teach them)that I can nod my head and say, "Eh, that was decent. They were kind of listening, and I think some of them actually got it." But that leaves 9 periods/week of: WTF?! Why are they so freaking opposed to learning something?! Why do they refuse to put forth any effort?!

I SWEAR I'm a relatively interesting teacher. We do role plays, I bring in music, I read them some of my own journal entries, we've done book clubs, I find books, stories, and articles that they can relate to. I mix up group work, individual work, and whole-class discussions. In theory, there should be something for everyone in my classroom. But they don't seem to see it. All of my attempts generate the same response: "This is mad dumb/gay/boring/whack, etc. !"

I'm a teacher, but on days like today, that role falls by the wayside and I become a zookeeper/babysitter/corrections officer. And I make less money than the school janitors and the city bus drivers. But that's a seperate post...

My concern right now is fixing those 9 hellish periods/wk. As much as my kids really piss me off on days like this when they get completely out of control and treat me like crap, I really do care about their education, and I do lose sleep over the thought of them not learning in my class. They're already so far behind in their reading and writing levels. If they don't make some serious progress in my class, they're just going to keep getting further and further behind, and that disturbs me... A lot.

But I think what really keeps me up at night is thinking about the handful of kids in each class who really do want to learn but are getting short changed because there are enough kids in the room who would rather act like turds and keep us from getting through our lessons. There is no worse feeling on earth than looking apologetically at a frustrated student who is nonverbally begging you to shut the rest of the class up so they can learn something. It's an absolutely helpless, awful feeing. I'm thinking of one student in particular as I write this. This girl's eyes never leave me throughout any given class period. She's always attentive, always respectful, always taking notes, turning her homework in on time, etc. Sweetest student in the school. But when her bright, hopeful, attentive eyes get that angry look because the class (and therefor the lesson) has derailed, I want to sit down and cry- or pluck her from the room and go teach her one-on-one, leaving the others to go on being turds on their own time.

I don't mean to sound like I want to give up on the ones who are being turds. If that were the case, I'd have quit a long time ago. Most of my students have a lot of issues that trigger their ridiculous behavior which, in turn, keeps them from learning much in school. So I try to be empathetic of that. I try to just work harder to make the lessons more interesting, or meet with the main instigators one-on-one to troubleshoot. I'm sure that there's a way to 'reach' my kids despite their issues, but I haven't found it yet, and that's giving me an ulcer. Things do not seem to be getting much easier. :(

But I'm going to keep singing that song because it makes me happy.

I'm not a corps member. I'm a NYC public school teacher.

2006-03-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's because I am the only TFA corps member at my school. Maybe it's because I've been really put off by the alcohol drenched TFA social scene and have therefor really only connected well with a handful of fellow corps members. Maybe it's because I've grown somewhat disillusioned after realizing that just working harder and harder and harder still might not be enough to change some things in my classroom, no matter what my TFA training told me.

Whatever combination of these factors might be at play, I do not really associate myself with TFA. I am a New York City public school teacher. And though it will send me to a earlier grave than probably any other career choice I could have made, I do feel some pride in that title. Much more pride than when someone refers to me as a "corps member."

Between my experience at the education nonprofit that worked with eight messed up public elementary schools in DC, and my work now that has me in the trenches of a remarkably disfunctional NYC public school, I have grown angry, passionate, and emotionally invested in urban education. So I think I want to stay in it for the long haul. Living a long life is overrated, right? I'll just live a short, crazy one. :) I haven't decided yet in what capacity, but I think I belong in education. Right now, I'm liking the idea of getting into administration, but we'll see. Anyway, I think 'NYC public school teacher' implies a long-term professional career choice, while 'corps member' implies a short-term bout of blind idealism straight out of college. I had my curious, do-gooder year as an Americorps volunteer last year. I signed up for TFA because I wanted to get my foot in the door to education as affordably as possible- and keep it there.

There is no real reason for or clear focus to this post. I just returned from 8 1/2 hours of grad school classes with all of the other TFA NYC '05 corps members. These classes generally make me reflect on three things:

1. I really like studying, talking about, and working in education- even if I dramatically claim on some days that it's the worst job on earth. :)
2. I feel absolutely no connection to TFA.
3. Am I socially awkward?

We have these all-day classes once/month, and the rest of our work is done online. Which means that I'm only made keenly aware of my total lack of TFA connections once every four weeks. And that's enough for me. I should probably put more effort into getting more connected and cultivating more TFA friendships, but the truth is that I'd just rather not. This isn't a jab at TFA, TFA culture, or TFA people. They're people who work hard and play hard. That part is fine. But at no point in my TFA journey have I ever felt that I was actually a part of it. I have such limited contact with anything TFA related that when I am at a TFA function, I feel awkward and out of place.

I have this socially backward need to get to know people, find them interesting, get comfortable with them, and become friends with them before I can have much fun drinking with them. But in TFA... and most any business or organization, it works in the opposite order. You go to socials and happy hours, drink to lose your inhibitions, and then become friends. The only time that order works for me is when I'm with a core group of 'my people' :) and 'their people' meet us out. Then we can all eat, drink, and be merry. But I'm simply no good in the context of going out with a group of surface friends and acquaintences. I never have fun. I don't 'network' well. And for this reason, I'm convinced that I'm kind of socially awkward and would never make it in a corporate setting. Because it's all about networking, and I'm not.

I told you this was a directionless post! hehe...

Idealizing standardized testing

2006-02-20T17:54:00.000-05:00

Earlier today, my boyfriend sent me this article:

Let's Teach to the Test
By Jay Mathews

You may have heard that teaching to the test is bad, very bad. But I have yet to see any teacher preparing kids for exams in ways that were not careful, sensible and likely to produce more learning.

To view the entire article, go to http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/02/19/AR2006021900976.html?referrer=emailarticle

I sent the following response:

I didn't like that article. I've read a lot of Jay Mathews before. I've even emailed him several times while working at the education nonprofit last year, trying to get him to visit one of our parent workshop and student tutoring nights at various high-needs schools in DC. Never got a response. :) I haven't minded most of his work, but this article is underinformed.

I obviously agree that standards-driven instruction is a good thing. And, in a lot of schools, teaching to the test isn't such a bad thing either. But in schools that have already been labeled as 'in need of improvement' or SURR schools (Schools Under Registration Review), teaching to the test takes on a very different form. Principal's bonuses and reputations depend upon their ability to make test scores rise by any means necessary. That's when you get administrators popping into classrooms multiple times/day, screaming at kids about their test scores. Administrators become overbearing, insistant upon test prep-only units, and often berate children by publicly announcing their embarrassing test scores. (Bear in mind that many of the kids who are earning 1's and 2's on their tests have learning disabilities that have gone undiagnosed... but that's a whole other issue...)

What bothered me even more though is the amount of money that went into test prep. At many failing schools like mine, thousands of dollars were spent on test prep materials this year. (read this short passage, answer these multiple choice questions...books upon books of this) Meanwhile, teachers are having to spend hundreds of dollars of their own money on basic classroom necessities like pens, holepunchers, and staplers.

Non-tested subject area teachers like science, social studies, and art are going without textbooks and essential supplies like maps and simple lab equipment. Subjects that aren't tested are deemed unimportant and low priority, so our kids are slipping even further behind in those areas.

My biggest concern by far though is the effect that test prep instruction has on students. Test prep for ELA was painfully dry and boring. Read this passage. Answer these multiple choice questions. Here are the correct answers. Let's look at why yours were wrong. Then start over again with another passage. As an English teacher, my goal is to slowly but surely introduce my students to becoming lifelong readers and writers. Nothing will sour kids on reading and writing faster then shoving extremely boring material down their throats day after day and trying to tell them that this is how you become a good reader/writer. It's inauthentic. Effective instruction is authentic. If Mathews was more familier with the research, he'd know that kids do not learn much from test prep units. They learn from developing habits of strong readers and writers over time. That happens when instructors find ways to appeal to their interests. Test prep- in the form that it takes in most any failing school- leaves little to no room for exposing students to the intrinsic benefits of reading and writing. You should see some of the passages they're asked to read. I love to read, and I find most of them extraordinarily boring.

I understand the need for assessment, and I realize that how to prepare students for state exams is a complex and controversial topic. I do not have any magical answers. But I do know that Mathews is writing from a very limited scope. He clearly has not been in many classrooms at failing schools, or he's been there when the teachers and administrators have their p.r. faces on. (No administrator is going to bust out their spreadsheet of test scores and refer to a child as "a one" (their previous test score) with a reporter in the room, but they feel no qualms with doing it on a regular day. I know this not only from my experiences, but from my discussions with countless other TFA corps members at grad classes who brought similar complaints.

In failing schools, test prep deprives kids of the opportunity to see learning as fun or interesting, and it deprives teachers of the freedom to create authentic, interesting learning activities and lessons.

Thanks for sending the article and letting me rant.

Still truckin'

2006-02-16T18:38:00.000-05:00

in 5.5 months of teaching ...
2 suspension hearings
shoved by 1 student
hit with a door by 2 different students
threatened by 1 student
1 full water bottle thrown at me
6 prank phone calls
$110 stolen
well over $400 spent on my classroom
at least a dozen incident reports...

Something tells me that any job I might take after teaching here is going to be cake.

The fun just never ends, does it?

2006-01-31T21:01:00.000-05:00

January 31, 2006

Ms. -----:

At 8:01pm and 8:06pm on Tuesday, January 31, 2006, I received two prank phone calls. The first came up as a restricted number, and the second came from telephone number ###-###-####. The caller’s voice sounded the same during both calls. I traced the second call to:

---- -----
--- E --th St
New York, NY 100--

The first conversation was muddled and hard to understand. I could only make out the word “bitch” as the caller hung up. The second conversation went as follows:

Me: Hello?
Caller: Yes? Ms. K---?
Me: Yes, this is she.
Caller: Um, was there any homework today?
Me: I was out sick today. Who is this?
Caller: Yeah, ok. You fucking hoe. You fucking bitch. (laughter)
(I hung up.)

I wanted to make you aware that these phone calls were placed, in hopes that you would speak to your sons about the company they keep and the way they choose to spend their free time. Please make it clear to them that I could easily press charges for harassment and involve the teacher’s union in this incident. I gave my telephone number out to my students and their families because it is important to me that I am accessible for questions or concerns about my class and homework. Their actions merely punish a dedicated teacher, and such abuse of that privilege is intolerable. The time that I have spent on those phone calls, the number tracing, and this letter are time taken away from the grading and lesson planning that I was in the middle of.

Please contact me as soon as possible to acknowledge that you have received this letter.

Thank you,

Heh?!

2006-01-19T21:01:00.000-05:00

I've done my share of stupid things throughout my life, but I've been confident that throughout each thoughtless incident here and there that I have maintained a baseline level of sanity. Tonight, however, I realized that I really have lost my mind.

I wasn't feeling so hot at school today after an annoying fight with my boyfriend last night, so I decided to go home earlier than usual. Much earlier. I actually left when the kids did at 2:30. I had grand plans of sitting down with my teaching books and laying out my lesson plans for tomorrow and the next week immediately when I got home. Instead, I passed out cold after reading two pages.

I them woke up at 7:45. Shit. Supposed to be at work by 7:50 at the absolute latest. Class starts at 8. Frantic. Threw clothes on, crammed my stuff in my backpack, RAN out the door. I flagged down the first taxi I saw, but it didn't save me much time because the streets in my neighborhood all dead end at various housing projects. Taxi took me as far as it could, ran the rest of the way. Encountered a custodian at the front door, messing with the lock. He's standing directly in my way.

"Excuse me."
"You need to get in?"
"Yes."

As I'm sprinting up the five flights of stairs, I'm thinking, 'what a schmuck. Of course I have to get in. Why are you standing directly in front of a door and asking a question like that?'

8:03 Finally upstairs in my classroom. Things are unusually quiet. Where are the children?! They should be lined up at my door, hitting each other. Where are the other teachers? They should be fighting over our only copy machine in the office because the principal rolls in at 7:55 to unlock it. What is going on? I double, triple, and quadruple check my watch, confirming that it's after 8. I walk down to the gym to see if anyone else is around, still sweating and slightly out of breath.

Finally, I consult the calendar in my phone to confirm that it's not Saturday or something. No. Not Saturday. But it IS still Thursday, and it's 8 PM- NOT 8am.

I am such an idiot. So now that I got 5 hours of sleep this afternoon, I guess I can do those lesson plans now...

Big day...

2006-01-17T06:42:00.000-05:00

This is it! My kids take the NY State ELA exam today and tomorrow. Their scores determine whether they go onto 8th grade. No summer school for 7th graders in NY this year. I'm not sure why they got rid of summer school AND moved the test to January in the same year. Seems like a bad experiment, but I'll leave that alone for now. I think I'm more nervous than my kids! :) I hope they do well... I have to go to school now. I'm bringing them bagels, juice and mechanical pencils. Wish us luck! :)

Students' voices...

2005-12-10T13:33:00.000-05:00

Low points of the week:
The students in one of my classes have taken to telling me every day that I'm ugly. Aside from just straight up saying, "Ms. K's UGLY, yo!" they've also started calling me 'ogre,' 'the hulk,' and 'Fiona' (from Shrek). That's fine. I know not to take anything 7th graders say too seriously, and for those of you that don't know me, I'm a smallish to average person, so the ogre comments don't sting much. What DID hurt a little was when they practically threw a party when I told them I would no longer be their social studies teacher, and they would only have me for English. First, they cheered, then they asked, "Is there any way we can get a different English teacher too?" NO! Now let me just go ahead a revise this homework list, you little....

High point of the week:
Two students in my other English class were talking before class started. "Ms. K is my best teacher. There isn't even a close second." (They saw me walking by.) "Hey Ms. K, students only complain about you sometimes 'cuz you give a lot of work. But that's good. We need it." (This discussion was between one of my average performing students and one of my worst performing students. Occassional comments like these have kept me from quitting during this pretty rough first year.)

American Beauty

2005-12-07T20:37:00.000-05:00

I hit my snooze button six times this morning, for a total of 48 sweet minutes of stolen rest. Upon bitterly prying myself out of bed, I took a nice hot shower. Six inches of water quickly accumulated around my ankles. Our shower drain is clogged, but I keep forgetting to buy drain opener. I went through my usual routine, but in a more hurried fashion than usual, in an attempt to compensate for my 48-minute rebellion. But I can’t skip breakfast, or I get short-tempered- which is pretty disastrous for all parties involved since my school has enough sass without my hungry ass contributing to it. So I poured a very small bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats and milk. I sat at my desk, opened the gmail page, and took a big bite of what I thought was going to be fibery bliss. Sour milk. Son-of-a! It was too late for the lightly sweetened mini wheat biscuits. I had no choice but to throw them out now that they were soiled with the expired milk. Blast.

Onward. I must go shape young minds. (ha!) I turned The Postal Service up on my ipod to soothe me with their melodic sounds. Due to my late start, there were more pedestrians out and about on my walk to work. I had mixed feelings on this. I do enjoy people watching, and it was nice to see some life on the streets, as a change from the desolate 6:15am streets I am used to. But the people also distracted me. From the dog poo. I don’t know what it is about Spanish Harlem, but I have never seen so much dog shit per square foot in my life. It’s really remarkable. Usually when I walk to work, I keep my eyes on the ground, making sure to dodge heap after heap. But with all the people around distracting me, I had a couple of veeery close calls in my comfy but clunky clogs. (which my kids have mockingly coined “Ms. K’s Tims.”) But I made it.

Nothing really worth mentioning happened at school.

But on my way home, I noticed that there were an inordinate number of plastic bags on the street. I don’t know why, and I’m not really going anywhere with this, but I had to laugh because, for a split second, one was delicately floating in the air, dancing with the chilly December breeze, and I had a very American Beauty moment… Then suddenly that breeze turned into a strong gust, and the Duane Read bag flew directly at my face. I probably would have suffocated and died if it weren’t for my cat-like reflexes. hehehe

Spread the word!

2005-12-02T05:55:00.000-05:00

I posted another donorschoose grant proposal... this time for digital cameras so I could do a Literacy Through Photography program with my students. I did this program with students in DC last year, and it was pretty incredible. Please spread the word if you know of anyone that would consider donating. Thank you!

Fighting like hell to beat the graph

2005-11-18T01:08:00.000-05:00

A couple days ago, I posted a graph about first year teachers' attitudes toward teaching. I said that I think it's pretty accurate so far. I've been feeling really discouraged about the lack of any signs of progress or improvement in my kids' academic performance and behavior. In fact, things seemed to be getting worse each day. Whole notebooks being thrown instead of the occassional paper ball, three kids out of 30 turning in homework instead of the usual five, kids outwardly saying that they're not learning anything, etc... General, overall shittiness. I can't imagine a more dejected feeling than the one you get after working 12+ hr days every day (and lots of wknds) and completely pouring yourself into something- then watching it not only fail, but actually get WORSE. I was upset with TFA for putting me in a school by myself and not providing the type of support I was expecting. I was mad at my kids for being little assheads. I could feel myself getting more and more jaded, and I was hitting my snooze each morning one more time than the day before.

It sounds like I'm building to some kind of major turning point, but I'm not really. The class that I see three periods/day is still out of control, but I AM starting to feel a little bit better. I just couldn't help but notice that that graph has me at disillusionment into early January. That's a looong rut. So I've decided that I need to dig my way out asap and beat the graph.

So last weekend, I worked out, made a somewhat healthy hotdish so I would stop eating nasty convenience foods for every meal, and I dropped $40 on binder dividers for my kids. I completely revamped my grading and homework policy in hopes that it will be easier for them to understand and manage. A few days ago, I gave a pep talk to my kids about bouncing back from the Ds and Fs the majority of them earned, and veery carefully explained the new policies. We'll see how it goes. But the point is that I'm trying to do things to give myself (and the kids, of course) some hope. Because getting out of bed is really hard without it.

I had parent-teacher conferences the last two nights, so I'm exhausted. But today was a promising day. (Conferences will have to be a whole other entry. They were informative, depressing, encouraging, and shocking.) I think a lot of my students got chewed out or beaten for their grades, so some of them are showing sooome signs of a turnaround.

One of my classes was ANGELIC today. I think it was fluke. I felt like I was in a dream... Or someone else's classroom with someone else's kids- but they were ALL on task during class. My principal came in and told them they were doing a fabulous job (which blew me away bc she's neeever positive) and she told them to "give your brilliant teacher a hand. She believed in you before she met you- when you were just a name on a paper." With confused looks on their faces, they reluctantly started clapping because I think they mostly just see me as a bitchy teacher who's always yelling "FOCUS!!!" Hehe. When she left, I said, "Did you hear that guys? I'm brilliant! Who knew?!" They laughed. Some also said, "She (the principal) talks too much," so I don't think they were overwhelmingly touched by her praise, but that's ok. It was a completely random thing for her to do, and it was funny, if nothing else. (And I DID notice that a couple of the kids were actually nodding and smiling at me as they clapped. YEAH!)

So, that's my story. Things with my other classes are faaaar from good yet, and this angelic class may show their little devil horns again tomorrow, but WOW did I enjoy today's little victory. So for now, here's to baby steps. Baby steps toward a big "fuck you" to the graph! :)

Why my family RULES

2005-11-18T00:30:00.000-05:00

I got a small package from my family today that made me feel incredibly lucky to have them. It contained a couple burned CDs by artists I really like, a small sign that says "I am powerful." and a card. Nothing fancy. The sign was just something my sister found around her office and thought would be fitting for my classroom, but I love it. The CDs were simple, but nothing provides the extra boost you need during the day better than some good music. The card was awesome. I'm going to type out the preprinted text just to procrastinate my grad school work a little longer and relive that tingly feeling I got when I read it. :)

(Cover:) Knowing you worked so hard is going to make reaching your goal all the more sweet...
(Inside:) ...so just keep looking forward, and know that if you need reminding about how far you've come, where you're going, and what an incredible person you are for taking this journey, please let us know- because we really admire and support you.

You're warm and tingly too now, aren't you? :)

They know I've been feeling pretty discouraged lately so I guess they decided to take action. I love my fam.

Stupid, accurate graph!

2005-11-09T23:30:00.000-05:00

That's about right.

Didn't see that one coming...

2005-11-08T21:33:00.000-05:00

My school is closing at the end of the year.

This was announced to the staff at yesterday's professional development meeting and was met with a wide range of reactions among our tiny staff. I was pretty shocked and somewhat upset by the news. Although my kids really do make me crazy some days, and I am often frustrated with the lack of resources and organization at the school, there's something to be said for the fact that I AM building something there. My kids are starting to trust me and count on me. The idea of the school just not existing next year and the very real chance that my students will just be scattered among various schools does make me kind of sad. Remember how hard it was to make friends and start to feel settled in 7th grade? (If you don't, then you were probably a 'cool kid' and I didn't like you :) ) Well, a lot of them are going through that right now, and they'll have to do it all again next year. But they'll be entering schools with classes that were already together for 6th and 7th grade. I know I'm being a bit sensitive about this, but it does make me sad. The silver lining however, is that I think it's given me the kick in the ass I needed to keep pushing myself to make this a great year for them.

There's actually a pretty crazy twist in addition to all of this, but I don't think I should get too far into it on a public web site. Too many politics involved. Call me if you want to hear the details. Sorry to be mysterious and weird about it, but this is a mysterious and weird situation, so there you go.

Fabulous news and lots of thank yous

2005-10-31T22:46:00.000-05:00

The binder gods have smiled upon my chaotic, disorganized classroom! A HUGE thank you to everyone has inquired about how they could help, offered to donate, and asked around at their places of work. A woman responded to one of my craigslist posts and rounded up about 40 binders at her office. Not only did she give me all these like-new binders, but she also DELIVERED them to my school! She recruited one of her friends to help her drag them on carts on the subway all the way uptown on their lunch break! These two women are saints. Who says New Yorkers are cold and mean?

So for now, I think I'm more or less set with binders for now. I may be coming up a couple short, but I can buy those myself or take another run through storage rooms in my school in search of a few more. Again though, thank you so much for your interest and willingness to help out.

Go Badgers!

2005-10-30T23:13:00.000-05:00

Way to go U-dub. Way to go. More than 400 belligerent idiots arrested.
Headlines like this one do a fantastic job of masking the fact that it's a good school. As do the following Princeton Review ratings. (minus the first one listed, which is actually kind of cool)

#20 Best College Newspaper
#3 Lots Of Beer
#3 Lots Of Hard Liquor
#1 Party Schools
#7 Reefer Madness

(found here)

Others' generosity could bring me sanity

2005-10-17T21:39:00.000-04:00

My proposal for binders and filler paper has finally been posted on donorschoose.org. Please forward this link to ANYONE you think might be willing to contribute.

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors.php?action=view_proposal&id=27974#

I know it looks like a lot of money, but it's a lot of binders for a lot of kids who will put them to very good use. Proposals can and usually are partially funded by a number of different donors, so every little bit counts. Please spread this around! I really can't keep up with my kids' random, crumpled up papers flying around, and a little organization might help them actually take some ownership over and pride in their work. Thank you in advance for your help in broadening the reach of my proposal (and therefor increasing its chances of funding!)

ps. I'm not sure why all the slashes appear in the proposal post. Sorry about that!

Surviving!

2005-10-15T18:07:00.000-04:00

It's obviously been a while since I've posted. And with good reason. I have been BUSY. First-year teaching is kind of an all-consuming job. In fact, I actually don't think that calling it a 'job' is even appropriate. First-year teaching is more of a lifestyle.

I'm up every morning at 5. I'm at school by around 6:20ish. I make my posters, post my agendas and homework assignments, rearrange desks, make copies (if I'm lucky), and do whatever other prep. stuff is necessary. Class starts at 8. Sixty 12 and 13-year-olds mentally and verbally abuse me until 2:30 (and occasionally learn something in the process). They go home. I stay at school, picking up after them, correcting their notebooks, meeting with other teachers, calling parents, scouring the school in search of things like a globe or an atlas, and sometimes holding my own detention sessions since the school doesn't have a discipline system. I go home around 5:30, eat something quick and boring like beans and a tortilla or pasta, then start planning for the next day. This generally involves a lot of internet research and printing my ink cartridge dry. I go to bed around 11 and start the whole thing over again. Oh, and somewhere in there, I try to squeeze in some grad school work. Six hours of sleep, then do it all again! :)

I don't mean to sound negative. This is just my new life. Clearly, I'm still adjusting and trying to figure out a way to make everything take a lot less time. My goal is to fit in more ME activities. Like seeing friends or my boyfriend more than once/wk, working out, posting on my blog or writing for fun, sleeping more, etc. I even ordered an ipod online a few days ago, hoping that it would provide some much-needed incentive to get my butt downstairs to use the workout room. We'll see how that goes. :)

My kids are... Um... Well, they're 7th graders, so they're inherently bursting at the seems with attitude and drama. But I have some great kids in my classes who clearly really want to learn. I also have a lot of students who haven't figured out yet that they're already really really far behind academically and it would be in their best interest to shut the fuck up and do some work. So I'm on roughly plan G for how to get them invested in their own education. We'll get there. Eventually.

In the meantime, I've had a few unfortunate incidents. One student threatened to get his brother after me. Another shoved a door as hard as he could to knock me over on the other side. I've had money stolen out of my backpack while I was in the room (don't ask me how), I've had lots of pens and markers stolen, and I've received a series of prank phone calls. (I gave out my cell phone number so my kids would always be able to reach me with questions or requests for extra help. Many have used it for this reason, so I don't regret giving it out, but the "suck my dick" pranks were obviously annoying.) I expected most of these sorts of setbacks.

I was less prepared for the school's issues though. Not being able to rely on a single printer or copier in the building has made things difficult. Teaching social studies without a globe, atlas, or textbook has been challenging. (I demonstrated latitude and longitude with an apple that I later ate for my lunch. This may be why so many of them didn't quite get it.) The administration has presented a fair number of issues that I probably shouldn't risk getting into on a public web site, and the teaching staff is NOT supportive. I am the first and only TFA person at my school, and I feel pretty isolated. Everyone is out for themselves there. Because we are so sorely lacking in resources, the veterans have a tendency to hoard the few they've managed to get their hands on, instead of sharing. I'm trying to adjust and be more creative in my search for resources, but that's also a time-consuming process. I've written and submitted a couple proposals on http://www.donorschoose.org/ but they're being processed right now before they can be posted. I've also hit up craigslist with a few posts, but no luck yet. I'll let you know how those pan out. Hopefully something comes through soon because I can't keep blowing large portions of my paychecks at Staples.

But enough about all that... :) How about some highlights of my last few weeks?
*My mom and sister came to visit me from MN! I got to see my sister's pregnant little belly, and I gave her an I(heart)NY onesie. (I don't know how to spell that.) My mom treated us to seeing the Broadway show "Wicked." It was an absolutely incredible show, and I'd recommend it to anyone who has a chance to see it.
*Three students voluntarily stayed after school one day to get extra help on their memoir writing assignments, and I felt like talking them through what that concept behind a memoir is made it actually click for them. No sweeter music to a teacher's ears than, "Ooooh! Ok! I get it!"
*I got a big desk with file drawers, so I can treat my OCD tendencies to some well-organized, neatly-labeled files. :)
*I had a lot of fun last night when I went out with some friends that live down the hall from me. (I haven't been out in quite a while because I've been too tired, so this was a big step.) We went to a place that has beirut tables, Ms. Pac Man, and a Monopoly arcade game, so I trust Nitin will like it too if we ever decide to break our homebody ways on the same night.

Ok. I have grad school work and grading to catch up on, so I better run. I just wanted to post something so I don't let this site die!

GREEEEEN!

2005-09-11T19:48:00.000-04:00

I wrote this last Tuesday- 2 days before my students arrived- and am just now remembering/finding time to post it. I'll try to write again soon about my first couple days, but I'm kind of swamped with planning, so we'll see if I get to it......

Today was my first official day on the job. So I decided to put in 12 hours for good measure. This was in no way planned, as I would have been comfortable with working a nice, light 8-hr. shift to ease into things, but a look around my classroom mid-afternoon told me leaving wasn’t really an option.

I should begin by explaining that today was the first real day I was allowed to touch anything in my classroom. My principal had a brief meeting on Friday with all of the new teachers at the school, and we got to see our rooms. But today was the first chance we had to roll up our sleeves and actually start setting them up. Today is Tuesday. The students arrive on Thursday. That’s not a lot of time to get set up and ready to go.

I arrived at school around 7:15 am. We were told to report at 8, but I knew my room was in rough shape, so I wanted to get a jump on it. As I entered the building, I cringed a bit as I remembered that my school is on the 5th floor. No elevator. Panting and sweaty, I was finally roaming the halls of my new second home. An exhilarating mix of excitement, anxiety, and cluelessness afforded me a speedy recovery from the climb. After saying hello to some of the other new teachers that I’d met on Friday, I headed for my room.

Worse than I’d remembered it looking. Stacks upon stacks of dirty, broken furniture stood before me, balancing precariously against one another. Multiple incomplete sets of wobbly chairs, tables with only three legs, and computerless computer workstations waited for me to make some sense of them and put them to good use. I did what most stupid first years would. I stared at it for a while. Then I moved some pieces around without a plan or vision of any kind. Then I slammed my fingers between a few stacked metal chairs and cursed my own thoughtlessness. Then I asked for help. Fortunately, one of the other new teachers (also ELA and social studies- but 8th gr. i/o 7th) at my school has been teaching in the Bronx for 7 years. I ask her way too many questions, and she’s probably sick of me already, but I fetched her for some input. She rattled off a list of feasible options, throwing in the pros and cons of each arrangement, and I chose the one I liked best. I love how straightforward this woman is. She’s extremely knowledgeable, blunt, but still sufficiently personable, and best of all- she’s not jaded or negative. I’ve found it very, very difficult to come by Title I public school teachers who have been at it for more than 1-2 years that aren’t overwhelmingly negative. So even if she doesn’t smile much while effortlessly spewing out great advice, and even if she thinks I ask stupid questions, I love her. She has already made my life there easier.

Once I got the table/desk situation squared away, I attempted to conquer the mess of trash and old books my predecessor so considerately left behind. My desk was filled with her old files, worn out shoes, and – my favorite- dirty dishes and silverware. Because she was a Spanish teacher, she also left a 6 ft tall shelf full of Spanish books behind. Very useful to me. Nevermind that teachers are supposed to box up their books and clean out their shelves before leaving. Just leave it for the new kid. She’ll enjoy sorting through your old crap. Grrr….. In addition to all of the Spanish books, an entire wall full of shelves- which are supposed to house my classroom library for my ELA classes- are filled with old novels. As is every nook, cranny, and closet in the entire room. More grrr…

Anyway, this is getting lengthy, so I’ll move things right along…. Basically, my room looked hellish when I arrived this morning, but 12 hours of back-aching furniture flipping and box-lifting has put a sizable dent in the feat. I even have a couple bulletin boards and posters up, and I’m starting to love my classroom. No, seriously. I’m really proud of it. :)

I also really like the new teachers. There are four of us- plus a new counselor. They have all been great to talk to, and we’ve all shared similar sentiments about wanting to make this an incredible year, wanting to really support each other, etc etc. In short, we are all very green. Even those coming in with a lot of experience under their belts are testing unknown waters. We all sound (and are) very optimistic and energized about the upcoming school year. The returning teachers do not seem to share this optimism or excitement. I’m too tired to really get into it, but squabbles over who “took” MY file cabinet that I’ve been waiting 2 years for, or who’s going to be pissed about which new kid getting which nicer classroom have led me to believe that they’re feeling rather wary of us newcomers. What they don’t seem to understand is that our rooms were assigned to us, and we used whatever furniture was thrown our way. If I had to guess, I’d say they’re uncomfortable with the ratio. We’re a very small school with a very small staff, so there are 5 (?) returning teachers and 4 newbies. Half their friends are gone.

Uffta. I’m exhausted. I have to end it here. Goodnight friends. Onto day 2. :)

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-29T15:02:00.000-04:00

I signed on an apartment!!! (insert giddy dancing)

With the help of a craigslist ad posted by my very dedicated boyfriend, I was able to find a roommate (who is actually also in TFA) and get an apartment a couple days later. We're converting a one-bdrm in a 'luxury' bldg to a two-bdrm by putting up a nifty temporary wall. Most exciting parts: 12-minute WALK to work, 8-minute walk to the subway OR free shuttles to 2 subway stations; free workout facility; laundry room; nice, QUIET courtyard ('quiet' is not a word ever used to describe ANYthing in NYC, so I'm excited about this little sanctuary.)Aaaaaaaaand... we'll each pay just over $900/mo. I would have fallen over in shock at the idea of paying that kind of rent in Madison or DC, but this is a steal for Manhattan. I think it's cheaper because it's on the Upper East Side/Spanish Harlem border, so it's closer to some shadier neighborhoods. But I feel fine walking around there, and I've talked to females my age that live there and have had no problems at all.

I'm VERY happy. I'm probably moving in on Friday. And for those of you who may have forgotten, (NITIN!!!) that's just two days after my Wednesday, August 31st birthday. I'm turning 24, and it's freaking me out a bit, but that's fine. Very exciting week ahead folks, very exciting. :)

Oh! Before I forget, I'm also in the market for an mp3 player (so I can listen to music while working out in my fabulous new apt :). I know ipods are the favorite, but I want to do some research before jumping on that bandwagon. Please let me know if you have an ipod or any other mp3 player, whether you like it, and why. Very much appreciated.

In other, more education-related news, I still have not heard from my awesome principal. She does not respond to voicemails or emails, so I'm curious what her preferred method of communication is. Perhaps a signing telegram. Something like, "Tell Jenny what she's teaching. She really needs to know. How's she supposed to plan well when you're a silly ho?" Err.... maybe not. I don't actually think she's a silly ho, but it rhymed, so I ran with it. I may just try to go to the school tomorrow and ask around to see if anyone can tell me where my classroom is. I'm so excited to see it and set it up!!!

Alright, I should run. Lots of work to do. Rules, consequences, procedures, units, lessons... oh my! :)

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2005-08-21T18:51:00.000-04:00

I'm just going to lay it all out there. I am in a severely shitty mood right now. I am SO sick of looking at apartments, and I am tired of living out of a couple suitcases in Nitin's place.

How many shared apartments have I looked at? How many randoms off of craigslist have I met? How many times now have I THOUGHT that I had an apartment and was on my way to being settled? The answer to all of these questions is, "TOO MANY." I am SO flexible! How can this be so difficult? I'm willing to have an 8x8 room with a closet in the hallway. I'm willing to live in the lower 100s- what many consider to be just a little too shady. I'm willing to live without a dishwasher, elevator, or laundry in the building. I'm willing to share an apartment with total strangers. I'm willing to pay up to $1000/month. I'm quiet. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. People who meet me like me. I CANNOT understand why this has to be so fucking complicated.

I don't want to live with a stripper or roommates I'm not allowed to meet until I sign the lease. I don't want to sleep in the living room. I don't want to live in a place where I get 10 cat calls in the 20 seconds after I leave the apartment. I don't want dorm-style housing. I will not share a studio. I will not live somewhere where I'm confined to my room because the living room and kitchen are "not for share." And I will not do sexual favors in exchange for reduced rent. Who the hell are these people, and why are they making my housing search so miserable? $1000 should buy me more than that. Fine. I'm in NYC. NYC is expensive. But I'm more than doubling what I was willing to spend in DC, and I don't think that my search perameters are all that choosy.

Brokers are shady and weasley. Craigslist people are unreliable or perverted. TFA friends were unreliable and dramatic. And I am homeless.

I have to go now. I'm heading out in search of an "I (heart) NYC" t-shirt to wear with my delightful mood.

It's HOT out there!

2005-08-11T18:49:00.000-04:00

I would know because I walked around for over an hour in search of an address that DOESN'T EXIST!!! Thanks boss.

I had emailed my principal over a week ago, asking a few basic- yet VERY important questions. (Things like which grade am I teaching?-you haven't told me 7th or 8th yet. TFA guy told me you're having me teach English and a handful of class periods of something else- what subject is said 'something else?' How long are my class periods, so I can get an idea of how to structure my lessons, etc.) After several days, she responded with a one-liner, telling me to call her. So I did. She said I needed to come to the school to sign a form and bring it to the regional office. Then quickly got off the phone- Again, not answering my questions. Grr.

So I went first thing this morning. The form did NOT require my signature. It required HER signature and a lot of other info that only SHE could fill in. So, after she instructed ME to fill it out, I had to ask her what to put in each line. Then I had to point to where she needed to sign. It was really fun, and I'm happy that I made the trip out to there to fill out her paperwork for her. Then she needed a copy of it made, so she summoned the woman who was sitting on the opposite side of the room (considerably FARTHER from the copy machine) to come and make her ONE copy. But the fun did not stop there.

I then served as a little messenger, schlepping my way to the regional office. This involved a 20 minute train ride and an hour of walking around, only to find after asking several people that the address she'd given me didn't exist. A friendly security guard at some other public school told me where I needed to go. Thanks. Onward. Arrival. "Oh. You're TFA? You don't need to be here. You guys have an entirely different hiring process." Ahhh... I LOVE administrative incompetence! Really. I do. I think it's great that we have only the best, brightest, most ambitious and energetic individuals running our kids' schools. That's quality.

Bleh. So that was that. I called TFA placement guy to tell him about the morning and ask what needed to happen for me to officially have this job. He said everything was already taken care of yesterday, and I'm set. He asked if I had a good conversation with her. I said not particularly because she wouldn't give me straight answers about anything, and if I'm going to be teaching 2 subjects in less than a month, it would be really good for my planning to know what those subjects and grade levels will be. He proceeded to give me some BS about what a nice day it was outside and how I needed to be positive and think about how nice it was to go for a long walk. For the love of god.

I strongly feel that TFA really overdoes the whole perpetually positive thing. Sometimes it's necessary and right to say, "Wow, that really sucked. Oh well," and move on. But it's against TFA code to ever ever even acknowledge a given situation's suckiness. It's not human. TFA is missing a human element. "What? All of your bedding is still sitting on a sidewalk in NYC while you shiver in your Philly Institute bed? Well gee whiz! Isn't it awesome that you have your other two pieces of luggage? (Flanders' laugh) Two outta three ain't bad! (slap on the back)" Let's have a big thumbs up, high-five and positive Patty smile for TFA!

Oh, and about keeping you posted on the apt I wanted and was supposed to find out about last night... I still don't know! Eek! She called to tell me that if her friend gets the job she interviewed for, I can't have it. But if she doesn't get the job, it's mine. Is it wrong to really really want this total stranger to have bombed her interview? She'll find out Friday if she got the job. So no updates yet. In the meantime, I saw another shared apt situation on craigslist that looked rather fabulous. $725 for all the same building amenities. I emailed and haven't gotten a response yet. I just want a home!!! :)

I'm back, and it's a long one! Get comfortable :)

2005-08-10T01:45:00.000-04:00

Let’s be honest. I am a bad blogger, and for that, I apologize. For a while, I was just too busy to post, then I was just never in the right mood to write, but I will now attempt to recap what I’ve been doing for the last six weeks that’s kept me from doing a better job here. :)

Many moons ago, I mentioned Induction. One week in NYC, staying in NYU dorms with four other girls and one sweet, fluorescently lit, yellow bathroom. Good times. Four of the five of us got along really well and had ourselves as grand of a time as could be had at a lame TFA Induction. The fifth girl that stayed in our suite kind of pissed me off on day 3, leaving little room for recovery.

Bascially, NYC TFAers can go to one of two schools (Pace University or Bank Street College) to get our Masters. We were discussing the merits of each one day in our dorm. Pace is partnering with TFA this year to customize their Med’s to really focus on urban education and work carefully around our schedules. The degree is also free (after our Americorps stipend) because of the major discount Pace is giving us as a result of the partnership. The only thing we’d been told about Bank Street up to this point was “Oh yeah, or you cooould do Bank Street if you really wanted to, but it’s $23,000 and they’re not tailoring the coursework to urban education at all.” Roommate 5 announced that she was “absolutely opting for Bank Street because she wasn’t about to follow an Ivy League education up with some two-bit state school!” Direct quote straight from Dartmouth girl’s mouth, my friends! She was well aware that I had gone to Madison and another roommate had gone to Penn State. We stared in silent disbelief of her tactless snobbery.

She’d never heard of Madison and had clearly been told her whole life that only simpletons attend state schools. *** Ignorance comes in many forms! ***.

I’m shocked by the number of Ivy Leaguers in TFA. I was expecting many more crunchy hippy types. But most of the people I’ve met went to Ivy League schools or small, private liberal arts colleges (many of whom felt compelled to explain that school could have been an Ivy League school, but the administration decided not to). So the typical TFAer in no way bears any resemblance to a laid back hippy. BUT I have liked almost everyone I’ve met. There are a lot of very interesting people in TFA who have done a lot of incredible things, and I’ve really enjoyed talking to most of them. Sure, I could have done without interactions like the one described above, but to be fair, I also met some jackasses that went to state schools. Clearly, every school has its gems and its tools. One such tool came from my very own beloved Madison….

In a discussion about interacting with our future students’ parents, we were questioning how honest we should be about the fact that we’re first-year teachers. (Some past corps members have advised us to lie and say that we’ve been teaching for a few years to establish some credibility.) One guy present announced his conclusion, “I’m sure that within the first couple minutes of talking to any of these parents that we’ll establish our intellectual superiority. They’ll pick up on that and trust that we know how to teach their kid.” Intellectual superiority?! Are you kidding?! The fact is that any teacher -regardless of what school they attended or what GPA they may have had- could stand to learn a great deal from their students’ parents and family members- and this attitude of ‘intellectual superiority’ will undoubtedly keep that from happening. Jackass.

Ok. That’s about all on Induction. I thought it was kind of a silly waste of time. It was a solidly packed week of presentation after presentation about “The Movement” we were joining. Stuff we were all well versed in before the dozen powerpoint presentations.

Onto Institute… We left straight from NYC Induction. We boarded charter buses and went on our merry way to Philadelphia- 500 sweaty, naïvely smiling faces, showing no sign of any knowledge of what was in store. Upon arrival to Philly, I learned that my luggage had been left on the sidewalk in NYC because they ran out of room in the bus’s stowing area. Awesome. Several hours later, 2 of the 3 pieces of luggage arrived in the staff vans. The missing piece? My bedding. No pillow. No blanket. 5 weeks. I inquired about the luggage several times after those first few days. Two different TFA staffers reported seeing the laundry bag that matched my description precisely, so I didn’t want to bother buying a new pillow and blanket. I later realized that was a mistake, as they never did get it to me. I slept on a crumpled up sweatshirt and a borrowed dorm blanket for the 5 wks because I was sure they’d come through with it. They said they had it and would bring it to the dorm! Oh well. I spent very little time in my bed anyway.

Institute was a breeding ground for extremes. Extreme type-A personalities having panic attacks and being taken away in stretchers (not joking). Extreme lack of sleep and nutrition. Extreme poverty in the neighborhood surrounding my school (worse than I saw in SE DC or the little of S. Bronx I’ve seen). Extremely demanding/ridiculous schedule. Extreme resentment toward TFA for telling us to ‘make sure to take care of ourselves!’ while expecting us to maintain that superhuman schedule. Extremely dedicated advisors and staff. Extremely rewarding, inspiring days with my students. Extremely upsetting, discouraging days with my students. Extreme stress of finding roommates and a NYC apartment while living in Philly with 700 acquaintances. Needless to say, all of these factors joined forces to create a challenging, draining, amazing five weeks.

I guess it would make sense at this point to give you some idea of what my days looked like… I taught writing to a class of 8th grade summer school students, and I was in a teaching “collaborative” with 3 other corps members who taught math, science, and reading. I got up at 5:30 every morning, took my sandal-footed shift in the dorm shower, got ready, walked about 15 humid minutes to the dining hall where I waited in line to pick up my boxed lunch and my breakfast, ate with a few sleepy-eyed friends, and then made my way to the rickety school bus. I arrived at school around 7:30 am, submitted drafts of the lesson plans I wrote to use over the next few days, and did whatever poster-making and other prep work was necessary with my group.

The students arrived around 8:30. I had only four students. At the beginning of the summer school term, I had 6, then 8, then 11, then 13, then 4- where we stayed. We later found out that another summer school had opened closer to many of the students’ homes, so they decided to save themselves the commute and attend that one instead.
Each day opened with Math-Literacy Hour (MLH). All four teachers were present for this period, and each of us taught 30 minutes of math and 30 minutes of literacy. When MLH wrapped up, Reading class began. At that point, I got to go around to other classrooms and observe other TFA corps members’ teaching styles. Then I headed back to my classroom, taught writing, then headed to my sessions with the curriculum specialist, then to sessions with my advisor. We were at the school every day until 4:30. We got back to the dorms around 5:15. Most days, I’d nap for 20 minutes, shower, or send out brief “yes, I’m still alive, but I can’t really write much now” emails before making the sticky 15-minute walk to the dining hall where I met the same sleepy-eyed friends from breakfast. We exchanged stories of successful or bombed lessons, and swapped alarming or endearing quotes from our students. After dinner, another 15 minutes back to the dorm, then I gathered my things to go to evening workshops. After the workshops, I met with my collaborative group to squabble over such matters as whether consequence #2 in our posted classroom rules should remain as is or be tweaked. This is where it was problematic to have 4 “born leaders” as TFA liked to call us. Shit like this ate up so much more time than it should have. I found myself being more agreeable than I have ever been in my life- just for the sake of wrapping up the meetings so I could get home to plan my own writing lessons for the coming days. I generally got to bed around 2-3am.

The part of Institute that struck me most (aside from my body’s amazing ability to continue functioning on such little rest) was the effect that my students had on me. Just a week into being their teacher for a mere hour and 45 minutes/day, I was already calling them “my kids,” instead of “my students.” I found myself thinking about them alllll the time. When one of my most dedicated students brought in a notarized note on letterhead from Family Court, excusing her absence from school because she had to appear in court as the witness of a violent crime, I didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t find words at that moment, and it hasn’t escaped my mind since. Another student wrote an essay about wanting to rid her neighborhood of the rapists, explaining that the little neighbor girl had been kidnapped and raped, and she wanted it stopped. My daily bus ride through their neighborhood to get to the school was a sobering reminder of what they face outside of our classroom walls. I feel like I’m slipping into the voice of very cliché TFA literature, but my brief but intense experience in Philly, of really getting to know a small group of students, opened my eyes to their daily realities so much more than the past work I’ve done in DC. I learned a lot from that experience as well, and I in no way mean to understate its value, but this was a new level of real, a new depth of personal-ness. These kids were ‘mine’ for those 5 weeks, and I loved them and wished I could some how protect them from the parts of their world that they hated. In their essays various writings, they disclosed their fears, and they shared their hopes. My students were truly amazing, inspiring people, and I wish that I could have kept teaching them until I was editing their college essays. But I think that I did the best that I could in the little time that I had with them. Sure, I was fumbling my way through, trying to figure out how to become a teacher, and I absolutely have a lot to learn- but at some point during my fumbling, I think they learned a thing or two. Two of them even told me I was the best writing teacher they’d ever had. I know they had no idea how many goose bumps accompanied my smiling response.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to get so sappy and sentimental there. I just grew to really care a lot about those four kids who would have me crying one night and dancing in celebration of a stellar paragraph the next day. Sigh…. :)

So, now I’m back in NYC after my stint in Philly. I still don’t have an apartment, and I’m sorely lacking friends as well. I really miss Minnesota. I would give anything to sit in a canoe or boat on a quiet lake right now. I don’t like NYC yet. It’s always overcast and humid, and the constant noise is getting to me. I’ve come to understand that every day is trash day here, so you can never escape the stench emanating from the heaps of dark gray bags on every block. The traffic never quiets, and I feel dirty every time I step outside. The handful of friends that I made through TFA are home visiting their families or moving into their new apts. right now, and I envy them. (The rollercoaster of my tentative living arrangements could be a post in itself, but I don’t feel like recapping all of it.)

I spend most of my days reading education articles and teaching prep books, watching movies, and walking around the city. I am staying with my boyfriend until I find a place. He lives in Murray Hill, the land of frat boys and very little to do. If you walk north, you hit Midtown- tourists, and unbelievably rich people shopping. The kind of shopping that’s so expensive it makes me uncomfortable. (I had no idea I was such a Midwesterner!) Tomorrow I’ll walk south or west instead. :) I have the utmost confidence that I will grow to love New York. Once I’m settled. Once I have a home, an income, friends I hang out with regularly, and a job that’s occupying and challenging me. I know I’ll love being able to go to an occasional Broadway show. I’ll love being in the same city as my boyfriend, once I move out and we stop fighting over his smelly dishes and sprawling dirty laundry. I know that everything WILL come together and that it’s only a matter of time.

But for now, I’m still very much in transition mode, eager to make more friends, find more to do, and have some money to do it with. For the time being, I’ll continue flying through Nitin’s DVD collection, reading, and walking all over the city. So far, I’ve watched Good Will Hunting, Annie Hall, Zoolander, Office Space, Boondock Saints, Cable Guy, Royal Tennenbaums, and Old School… just to name a few. I tend to throw in flicks that I’ve already seen while I’m doing something else exciting like laundry or scouring craigslist for apartments. I will find out tomorrow if I get the apartment I want! It’s actually part housing project (Mom, Dad, stay calm, we’ll discuss later.) They reserve certain floors of the building for subsidized housing. It’s an awesome place… courtyard, workout facility, laundry in the building, doorman, everything…. It’s a one-bedroom that has a temporary wall up to make it a two-bedroom, and I’d be sharing with a random girl from craigslist. She seemed nice in my 20 minutes of meeting her, and the price is right. 8 minute walk from the subway, 12 minute walk from work. I’ll keep you posted!

Bleh!

2005-07-20T01:07:00.000-04:00

I WILL post soon. I am determined to find some time to post. I am bursting at the seams with things I want to write about, and it's killing me that I haven't had the time to. Soon.

For now, a very quick update...
My students KICKED MY ASS today. (Mentally) I have had a couple AWESOME days with them, a handful of mediocre days, and a couple outright terrible days. Today was pretty awful, and it marked my first day of crying over my students and my teaching. (Not in front of them, of course. .7 seconds after they left.) Anyway, it was bad news, and I'm now in recovery.

Institute.... and MY FIRST DAY!!!

2005-07-05T03:17:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to lie to you. Institute sort of blows. I average 4-5 hours of sleep/night because our days start around 5:30am and don't end until all of our work is done.

Now, let's do a little thought experiment...
Imagine the most Obsessive-Compulsive, hyper-organized, uptight, headstrong, Type A person you have ever met. Now imagine that 800 of THAT person were plucked from their home, transplanted to super-humid Philadelphia, deprived of sleep, fed crappy dorm food, and given massive amounts of work to do... in GROUPS of three other people just like them. Now, to take it a step further, let's put those smelly, sticky, unnerved, hungry, overtired balls of sunshine on cheese wagon school buses each morning at the crack of dawn. Drive them to schools. Put them in their groups, throw in some more work, just to push them a liiitle closer to the edge.... and stand back and watch what happens. Welcome to Insitute. My professors and TAs at Madison would beat me if they saw me use this cliche, but can we say, "Too many cooks in the kitchen!" Everyone here has always gotten their way. They have always been the leader of their groups, the caller of all the shots, the go-getters among their peers. But they can't work together to save their lives. So this has been challenging.

I shouldn't make it sound all bad. I actually really like my group members as people. I think they're awesome, and we get along quite well, for the most part. (Better than most, I hear.) But when you're working together from 6am-midnight, and you're all "born leaders," some issues are bound to arise. We're working through them, but we're all guitly of shrinking patience and growing intolerance as the hours wear on and the work mounts.

Anyway. That's Institute. It's five weeks of mental insanity and physical self-abuse, and I've completed one of them. Yeah me.

More importantly..... TOMORROW IS MY FIRST DAY OF ACTUAL TEACHING!!!!!!!!
We get our Philly summer school students tomorrow. 15-20 eighth graders who have 19 half-days with our teams of 4 teachers/class. (math, reading, writing, science) 19 days to learn enough to move on to high school. Crazy. I am so incredibly excited to see the faces behind all this work. I trust meeting my students will make it all worthwhile. I'm giddy and nervous. But I should get some sleep.

(My apologies for the limited posts. I hope to write more as time allows!)

Induction

2005-06-29T20:17:00.000-04:00

I started writing this at TFA induction one night. Then I got cut off. I am truly amazed at the schedule TFA demands from us. I’m at Institute (training) right now, and I’ll tryyyy to post about that soon, but for now, here are some of my thoughts from the one-week NYC induction. ….

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone who has emailed or called me to ask how moving went and how induction is going. It really really makes my day to hear from all of you. Please keep writing. I’ll respond whenever my Owner (TFA) allows me to. :)

I’m in the midst of a serious missing phase right now. I miss my family. I miss my DC friends. I miss my Madison friends. I miss Madison and its endless scenic trails that allowed me to rollerblade for uninterrupted hours. I miss being able to sit on my deck in Minnesota and hear silence, broken only by an occasional bird chirping (or my hyperactive but lovable dog barking.) I’m nearing the end of my weeklong TFA induction, and now I’m catching my breath. The funny/slightly terrifying part is that this is NOTHING compared to Institute- which starts next week. The schedule they sent us shows non-stop activity (summer school teaching and prep, grad classes, meetings, trainings, etc.) from 6am-midmight M-F for 5 wks. Eh?!

No, I’ll be fine. It’s not necessarily the long hours that are getting to me. It’s the mental marathon involved. I’m not ashamed to admit that there’s a significant part of me that’s a loner. I really really enjoy being by myself for a couple hours/day. To read, write, sing without caring what I sound like, dance around the room like a jackass if the spirit moves me, perhaps just stare at the wall, etc. I love the effortlessness of solitude for just a small window of my day.

But friends, that is NOT what we’re about here at TFA! Here, we are a team. We are one. We are a unit. We are “The Movement.” (Yes, that’s really what it’s referred to… over and over and over and….. I feel like I’m going to be issued my cult robe after the week is up.) Anyway, solitude isn’t an option in TFA EVER. We have planned workshops and activities all day, planned meals in assigned groups, assigned “social” events in the evenings, etc etc. And we live with five people/dorm room. It’s just a very intense experience for me because I really value my ME-time.

But I’m happy overall. I really like my roommates. We get along well, and I’ve really enjoyed our late-night chats about random stuff. I hope we keep in touch throughout Institute and once we’re back in NYC. …..

I'm alive!

2005-06-24T09:03:00.000-04:00

Just a quick FYI.... I AM still alive, and thank you to those who have inquired. :) I'm at TFA Induction in NYC and have been all week. I have VERY limited internet access and very limited time, but I will post as soon as I can. i'm leaving for Philly on Sunday (after my long-dreaded Saturday exams!), and I'll be there for 5 weeks. But I'll try to post throughout that experience- I'm told that it promises to be INSANE, so I should have a lot to write about.

Ok. Gotta run. Just wanted to let you know that I haven't let this thing die yet!

Literacy Through Photography

2005-06-12T21:55:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, I spent a significant portion of my time at my current job working on a project called Literacy Through Photography. Olympus donated over 100 point-n-shoot 35 mm cameras to the organization, and we rotate those around multiple classrooms in our eight partner schools. The students each get to shoot one full roll of black & white film, focusing on a theme of family, community, self, or dreams. We then develop all of the film for them, and they tell the stories behind their photographs through poems and essays. Next, the students each choose their favorite photo, and we enlarge those to 8x10s. Finally, each school hosts an 'exhibit opening' so families and community members can come out and celebrate the kids' displayed work.

I'm not going to lie to you. This project has been a logistical nightmare, and there have been several days that I have kicked myself for requesting to be assigned to LTP my first day at this job. BUT in the end, it was SO worth it. I was so amazed with some of the photographs that these students took. And this year, for the first time ever, we had a grand exhibit opening at the Smithsonian that featured the work of 100 students from across all eight of our partner schools. It was awesome. The students whose work was not displayed at the Smithsonian is now hanging in the MLK Jr. Public Library near the Chinatown metro stop. If you live in DC, I strongly recommend checking out both exhibits. The Smithsonian exhibit is at the S. Dillon Ripley Center, and it will be up through August 21. I think the one at MLK is up through the end of June.

Here are a few samples. (I don't know which is worse... Not crediting the student or putting an elementary school kid's name on a web page without their knowledge. I'll go with option A. for now until I'm told to do otherwise.) Enjoy!

2005-06-12T21:49:00.000-04:00

2005-06-12T21:47:00.000-04:00

2005-06-12T21:46:00.001-04:00

2005-06-12T21:46:00.000-04:00

2005-06-12T21:43:00.000-04:00

Hi. We're extremely cute and have absolutely no intention of listening to a word you say.

V I C T O R Y

2005-06-05T20:08:00.000-04:00

I am proud to announce that I have officially SOLD my old desktop computer for $100. I have been moving this beast from dorm to apt to apt to apt..... etc etc for five years now. All told, this big guy has lived with me in a total of seven different 'homes.' Yet I did not shed a tear when I loaded him into that random craigslist guy's car. Instead I did a victory dance as I closed the door behind me. The 3-ft deep, 30-lbs monitor will never monopolize my desktop space again. (If this is an exaggeration, it’s only a small one. This thing was huge.) I will never again have to watch the machine sloooowly load Windows 98. And most beautiful of all, someone just came to my door, took it off my hands, and replaced it with a small pile of crisp, smelly $20 bills. I love craigslist.

In case you're not observant

2005-06-05T15:12:00.000-04:00

I posted a new link in my links section. I just wanted to draw your attention to this site in case you didn't notice it sitting quietly over there on the left. It's another first-year teacher blog, but it's faaar more interesting than mine because this guy is just wrapping up his first year of teaching in Brooklyn so he has actual experiences to share. (as opposed to watching me anticipate my experiences. :) Very interesting and entertaining though. I highly recommend it if you have some spare time.

Mmmm... Nuggs

2005-06-04T20:14:00.000-04:00

I just discovered Picasa and Hello from Picasa. Call me a nerd, but I looove putzing with stuff like this. Sam and Kara, I hope that you don't mind being featured as my test picture. :) This was taken at work. Sam eats many-month-old chicken nuggets that are left over from the "free family dinner" portion of the events we run in our partner schools. (because he's broke and spends all his money on records) Kara looks on in envy of the nuggs.

...and did I catch a niner in there?

2005-06-01T12:39:00.000-04:00

Friends, that fateful moment has arrived (and passed). Last night I got an email from TFA, informing me that I have been placed in Region 9. I am QUITE happy about this. For those of you who are not familiar with NYC's Instructional Regions, Region 9 includes a sizable slice of Manhattan as well as South Bronx. According to the map, this puts me in very close proximity to the small handful of people that I know in NYC and within a short commute to some pretty sweet things to see and do. Yeeeeah!!! I'm really really excited. TFA said that most Region 9ers live in the Upper East Side, so if you know of any good apartments there, let me know.

In other news, also along those "the stars are aligning" ummm lines(?)... My friend/coworker/TFA alum Jashyboy (as Alyssa likes to call him) has bumped up the date that he's moving to Boston to June 18. What this means for me: I potentially get to throw some of my things- and maybe myself- in his moving truck which will stop in NYC . Awesome. Now I just need to figure out where in NYC I will put those things, as I will still be a homeless wanderer at that point. Everything seems to be coming together though. Very exciting stuff. :)

Here is some additional info about Region 9 for anyone who might care...

Current Placement Neighborhoods: East Harlem, Lower East Side, Mott Haven, The Hub.
Where Corps Members Live: The majority of corps members who teach in Region 9 live on the Upper East Side.
Statistics: Students with Free Lunch: 66%
Students Performing Below the Standard in English Language Arts: 56%
Students Performing Below the Standard in Math: 51%
You can find these statistics and more at: http://www.nycboe.net/daa/SchoolReports/04asr/9.pdf

Note to self...

2005-05-29T20:58:00.000-04:00

Things NOT to do when you're having a crappy, lonely weekend studying:

1. Listen to your Coldplay, Damien Rice, Elliot Smith, and Nick Drake playlist. While these seem like great choices for chill background music that won't distract you from your work, you are sorely mistaken. I like their music, but these artists could make someone who's carefree, skipping and laughing want to stop and just end it all right there. Right. I'm exaggerating. But you get the idea. They're good, but kind of depressing.

2. Break for a haircut at your local Hair Cuttery. I've had three experiences with this chain, and yesterday's was my last. Mark my words! (This is the second time I've said that, as some of you know, but I MEAN it this time!) The first haircut I got there was great. It was in Bethesda. The second was in Dupont Circle. She didn't even wet my hair when I asked her to. She cut it dry and did an awful, crooked, painful job as she tore through massive snarls with a fine-toothed comb. I was lured back to the Cuttery by a metro ad. I was a victim of great marketing. Blast! The ad featured a cute girl with a great haircut and white block letters across the bottom that read "fourteen dollars." Ah! Sweet affordability! The wallet of a volunteer is no match for your lure. I wanted to believe that the Cuttery had it in them to redeem their reputation. Just one good stylist. That's all I needed. Like that one in Bethesda. Except Bethesda is quite a trek from here, so I'll go to the one in College Park. Bad bad bad idea. The language barrier presented itself immediately as she hurriedly motioned me to take a seat in her chair. "What you want?" she asked. I explained. She nodded quickly as she stared across the room and pulled at my hair, "uh-huh, uh-huh." I was not convinced that she was listening. No one cares about all the gory details, but it ended in a bad cut. All one length when I asked for more layers. Shorter than requested. Floor covered in hair that was once my own. (Cue dramatic music.) Anyway, I got a bad haircut, and that sucks, but I'm over it. I'll just continue tying it back every day as I have been for the past year. :) Voila!

3. Engage in email fights with your boyfriend because he is phoneless for a week while he switches providers and you're both under a lot of stress. The only thing that sucks worse than unnecessarily fighting with your boyfriend because you're both too stressed out to be reasonable is doing so over EMAIL. Not advisable.

ps. The ice cream truck is playing the 'Fur Elise' and 'Morning Has Broken' today. Crazy truck.

Red pens and dodge ball

2005-05-29T17:39:00.000-04:00

I don't have cable. But I wanted some background noise and something to look at as I ate my cheese and crackers during a study break yesterday. Saturday afternoon network tv is not great, so I found myself stopped at PBS, watching Tucker Carlson, the man who looks like a giant doll and has something to say about everything. He was interviewing psychiatrist Sally Satel, author of a book called, One Nation Under Therapy: How the Helping Culture Is Eroding Self-Reliance. It was actually really interesting. See excerpt below:

Satel: ...we talk about children and in fact we talk about the myth of the fragile child. This notion that children can't take competition, can't take grades, can't take second, third, fourth or even last and in response to protecting them and shielding them from these disappointments and preserving their fragile self-esteem, some schools now have stopped offering competitive sports, apparently dodge ball is black listed. Red pens were black listed in fact.

Carlson: Red pens?

Satel: Red pens because red marks are apparently traumatizing. And so -- Papermate executives will tell you the demand for purple pen is now all the rage. But the idea is that this is damaging to kids' self-esteem. It's not damaging to their self-esteem, it's necessary for their development and for learning, and we do think that these kinds of practices in aggregate can have the effect of dulling our competitive edge. Our students, our kids now, you know, in 10 to 20 years will be competing with kids from China and India where they do use red pens and pretty soon they'll probably be outsourcing red pen making to us.

Carlson: I must say I've noticed almost every successful person I know is driven by insecurity. Is actually not driven by self-esteem. There haven't studies shown there is an inverse relationship, the better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to stay home and smoke pot?

Satel: It's been debunked. It doesn't relate in any reliable way to what we think it should. People with high self-esteem are often sociopaths or criminals or just not particularly accomplished pokes folks. Highly narcissistic of course and people who are highly self humanitarians are riddled with self-doubt. Of course self-esteem is not something you teach someone or can infuse into a kid. It's a byproduct of achievement.

I thought the woman was a bit over the top with some of her remarks throughout the interview, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on the red pen/dodgeball bans and fragile child line of thinking.

Aaaand.... go!

Sad, productive day

2005-05-28T01:59:00.000-04:00

I'm kind of depressed right now. All of my coworkers/friends/some of the most fun and interesting people I know- are all on a four-day roadtrip to Detroit. Sure it's just Detroit, and I haven't heard rave reviews about the city, but they're headed to a huge music festival and they'll be staying at one of their parents' houses, where they'll lounge in the hot tub, watch movies, and eat a lot. These are all things that I would really enjoy. I was supposed to be a part of this adventure, but the reasonable side of me decided that it would be a bad idea. I have a lot of shit to get done before I move in T minus 22 days, so I backed out of the trip, believing that I really needed this long holiday wknd to get myself together. I still think that I probably made the right call, as I look at my to-do list, but that doesn't make me any happier about it.

I studied for my exams all day today, and during my breaks, I called a few more schools to try to set up my classroom visits, went running, and cleared my closet of all my unwanted, beat-up clothes, in preparation for the move. So, I got a lot done, and I still have a lot more studying and reading to do, but I'm sad to be missing out on all the fun. :(

The hotel maid saw me naked.

2005-05-25T02:28:00.000-04:00

That's the whole story.
I got out of the shower. I was brushing my teeth with my towel on my head. Then the maid opened the bathroom door.
Awkward.

Religious Good Humor and Science Fair Fun

2005-05-21T01:07:00.000-04:00

(i wrote this yesterday and am just getting around to finishing and posting it now...)

As I walked home from the metro today, I passed the Good Humor ice cream truck. Yeah! Ice cream truck! Quaint...Happy... Nice. Wait a minute. What's that that the truck is playing? It's not Twinkle Twinkle Little Star; it's not All Around the Mulberry Bush... Why, it's ... What Child is This? !!! Yes, I'm referring to the Christmas song about Jesus, the manger, the whole nine yards. Crazy, huh? Maybe it's not. Maybe this is done all the time, and I just didn't know about it. But it was the first religious ice cream truck I'd seen, (Nevermind that Christmas is seven months away) so I wanted to share the news. My neighborhood is about 49% African-American, 49% Hispanic, and a handful of us who glow at night. There are a lot of Christian bumper stickers on the residents' cars and it's not uncommon to hear gospel music leaking from nearby homes. Perhaps the Good Humor driver took note of these details and changed his soundtrack to better connect with his audience. This man is brilliant. He was selling ice cream like no one's business today, and it was just a few overcast minutes from pouring rain. Quite impressive.

Not related...

I spent most of my day today judging 40-some projects at an elementary school science fair. This really is not part of my job, but I offered to do it because I really like the teachers at this school, and I wanted to help them out. Takeaway thoughts of the day:

While teaching next year, I will do anything and everything in my power to develop in my students two abilities:

1.) Critical thinking skills
I want my students to challenge everything. (Including me, and I'm sure they will.) I've noticed that so many ideas become engrained in our minds just because we hear them over and over. (I know this isn't rocket science, but I'm going somewhere with this.) For a lot of these students, those repeated messages are that they're stupid, incapable, underprivileged, lacking the connections or wealth to get anywhere, etc. etc. In addition to the often blamed media sources, these messages also come from their own parents, teachers, neighbors, and friends. These things are often said without ill will, but instead in the tone of 'that's just the way things are.' I want to teach every student I have to question everything they are told and arrive at their own conclusions. I'm actually falling asleep at my keyboard right now, so I'll have to find another time to post about the science fair projects that reinforced my plan to make this a VERY focal point of my classroom.

2.) Presentation and public speaking skills
I talked to a lot of kids who had impressive projects but sorely lacked presentation skills, and I talked to a handful who had projects that were average at best but had incredible presence and speaking skills. They earned roughly the same scores. If I have anything to say about it and my curriculum isn't hyper-structured FOR me, I want my students doing A LOT of presentations and speeches.

Ok. I'm exhausted, and I'm going to bed now. Sorry if this post was disjointed or boring. I'm too tired to sleepy to focus, but I wanted to post those two areas of intended emphasis, so I can look back through my blog in a few months and see how I'm doing in the actual classroom.

Goodnight!

Overly caffinated

2005-05-20T14:40:00.000-04:00

It's been a really hectic couple days, but I'll post soon. Thanks to those who have commented! :)

Crickets chirping

2005-05-18T13:16:00.000-04:00

I KNOW you're out there! Say something! Anything!

Meine wochenende

2005-05-18T00:10:00.000-04:00

I went to NYC this weekend for a TFA placement kickoff event. I arrived noonish on Saturday, met up with a friend from Madison, and spent the rest of the day and evening studying with him and a couple of his dental school friends. It was a wild time had by all. Actually, it was a much needed reality check for me. I took a practice English CST, (a 4-hr. NY teacher certification exam I have to pass on June 25) and my performance was pitiful. I have forgotten a remarkable amount of material that I once knew inside and out. I remember what free verse is but forgot what blank verse is. Alliteration is cake, but I'm rusty on allegory. And so on.

But those were not the questions that concerned me. I can easily brush up on those terms and concepts. What's really causing problems though, is the fact that I was a JOURNALISM major, NOT an ENGLISH major. This means that the last time I really read and analyzed a lot of classic literature and poetry was my senior year AP English class. So I have my work cut out for me in studying for this thing.

Also, I realized that three years in "the j-school," as some liked to call it- really trained me to believe that journalistic writing is the ONLY correct writing. (Disclaimer: My blog is very informal, and I know my writing here is not exemplary, so don't judge after what I'm about to say.)

Some of the multiple choice questions asked you to choose which was the correct way to write a given sentence. I noted in several of these questions that I thought all of the given options were terrible. Yes, one was grammatically correct, but it was often awkward, wordy, and unclear, and I strongly felt while reading it that I would never encourage one of my students to create such an atrocious -albeit grammatically correct- sentence.

And my last soap box rant about the practice test was that I've really grown to know and love AP (Associated Press) style editing, and I'm having a tough time using anything but. But I'll get over it. :)

But those are obviously not excuses for sucking on the practice test. So I'll be studying a lot of English lit and nitty gritty grammar over the next month.

The placement event took place all day Sunday. It went pretty well. Well organized, informative interesting.

I had a mock interview with an NYC junior high principal. He was one of the most negative, jaded people I've ever met. Phrases like "these kids just don't..." and "you can't expect much..." filled the majority of our conversation. I don't consider myself a starry-eyed idealist anymore, after having worked in some really struggling schools, but I definitely do have faith that a lot of students really do have a ton of potential buried within them in hard-to-reach places. This guy seemed to think that every kid in his building was a lost cause. Which is unfortunate because I'm sure that comes across in his work as an administrator. But no big deal. I'm ready to deal with not liking my principal if I end up working with one like him. You just have to wonder what keeps him coming to work if he think it's hopeless. Maybe it's the $100,000+ salary? But I don't know. I think you'd have to pay me a much more outlandish salary to stick with something that I didn't like and had no faith in. I'm stumped.

Anyway.... Overall, a good weekend. I met some pretty cool TFA people, and that was fun.

Quite possibly the worst song ever produced

2005-05-17T00:28:00.000-04:00

Many months before I started dating the Best Guy in the world for me, I briefly dated someone who I will here refer to as Other Guy. There is absolutely no need to give any background about Other Guy because what I'm about to tell you is nothing personal against him.

There. Disclaimer complete.

He made me a CD at some point, and most of it was decent. BUT buried within the many tracks of pretty ok songs, there was one called "You're Divine," by The Stereo. During the first listen or two, I thought it was a sweet, sorta sappy song. It was not until a roadtrip to Florida with a good friend of mine that I realized how insulting the song actually is if you listen to the lyrics. We were running out of musical options once we hit Georgia, so we dug to the depths of our cd collections and pulled out some of the albums we hadn't listened to in weeks or months. Out came Other Guy's mix, and along came my realization of the awfulness of this song. See the lyrics below:

my face is burning from the sun, and I'm not having any fun. everyone is on the run. my friends they tried to let me know, but I tried not to let it show. now I've got no where else to go. and you will not be alone. you can be sure of that cause I don't wanna go. you're divine, so divine. take what's mine. my heart, my soul and everything I own. you make it so believable, so believable that I could have someone to call my own. I lost the race that I had run in place of having anyone. I told myself that I was done. and now I have to see it through cause my loose ends are tied to you. what am I supposed to do? and you will not be alone you can be sure of that cause I don't wanna go. you're divine, so divine. take what's mine. my heart, my soul and everything I own. you make it so believable, so believable that I could have someone. what do I have to do? what can I say to get to you? what if it is much worse on the inside? maybe what I said was wrong and maybe we weren't meant to get along. maybe i feel much worse on the inside? on the inside, on the inside. you're divine, so divine. take what's mine. my heart, my soul and everything I own. well, you make it so believable, so believable that I could have someone

In summary: I'm a sad, pathetic individual who feels like I'm kind of stuck with you because I really don't think I can do any better, but I'm too weak and insecure to try. Awww, thanks honey! You always know just what to say! Whether that's what Other Guy meant or not is irrelevant. The point we're focusing on right now is the sheer terribleness of this song.

We laughed for half of Georgia as we replayed this song over and over and over, belting it out of the top of our lungs. (Also important: the lead singer has a wretched, somewhat pubescent voice so it really adds to the badness and funniness of the song.) I am only sharing this story today because I just got an email from this now faraway roadtripping friend, and she reminded me of the fun we had tearing this song apart.

Just for good measure, I will now return to my earlier disclaimer: Other Guy was a good person who was kind enough to make me a cd, and I appreciated that. I'm actually thankful that he let this one slip through the cracks because I don't know how we'd have made it through Georgia without that much-needed pick-me-up. I wish I knew how to post an mp3 so I could share this work of art with you.

Marvelous News!!!

2005-05-12T02:40:00.000-04:00

Nitin is moving to NYC!!!!

He applied to transfer within his current company, and he got the job!
No more plane tickets to see each other. No more month-long breaks between visits. No more pain-in-the-ass planning. And no more cell phone dependency.

It will be glorious!

Congratulations, Nitin. :)

Crabby pants (that don't fit quite like they used to)

2005-05-11T02:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday sucked. I woke up in an inexplicably pissy mood. I realized while hurrying off to work in the morning that I had forgotten to do my dishes from the previous night. Wanting to be a courteous roommate, I scrambled to wash them. When you want to get your dishes done quickly, you naturally flip the water on full pressure. While washing a bowl, I accidentally positioned the dish at the precise angle that directed all of that gushing water directly to my pants. Already way behind schedule, I decided it was just too late for me to go change clothes. So I headed for work, looking like I had peed my pants. Awesome. On my brisk walk to the metro station, a ginormous street sweeper came along and started driving in circles over a construction-demolished intersection that I needed to pass. Massive, dense clouds of dust filled the surrounding area. I paused in hopes that they might settle, but they lingered persistently. Grumbling, I stormed through the floating dust. Now I appear urine-soiled and dirty. Bring it, Monday.

I boarded the metro, and got stuck standing next to a man who had- by FAR - the most potent, nostril-burning body odor any human being has ever lived to tell about. I held my breath for three stops, then opted for a transfer that I don't usually take. I went to work, was irritated by things that absolutely should NOT have irritated me, and had a sub-par day at the office. (My apologies to anyone who had the misfortune of encountering my moodiness yesterday.)

At last, I made it home! I decided that nothing pulls me out of a crappy mood like a good run. For months, it's been too cold or too dark and unsafe for me to run when I get home from work, but it was a beautiful day, and this was my time to shine! I slipped into some workout attire, grabbed my armband radio thingy, and headed for the nearby sketchy running trail. (wooded trail in PG County = sketchy. But my options in bustling Hyattsville are limited so I just think happy thoughts as I try to ignore the crunching of broken liquor bottles beneath my feet.)

Now, as anyone who has taken an extended hiatus from working out can tell you, your first few times back at it are rough. You feel flabby, uncoordinated, and just generally unfamiliar with your own body. But no big deal. A few blocks into it, I felt like I'd fallen into a groove. I made my way down the very busy street that leads to the sketchy trail. A lot of jackasses honk and yell out their windows during this stretch. I have no idea what they say, but I generally flick them off by reflex. I am only mentioning these interactions to highlight the fact that spectators are very much present at this point in the story.

Almost to the end of the busy street stretch and within sight of the trail's beginning, I had to pass through another construction area. Gravel.... gravel.... gravel.... Then, without notice, big slab of elevated SIDEWALK. (cut to slow motion as my foot meets the sidewalk's edge and I fly forward...) 'Nooooooooooo....!!!' Determined to fight the fall and recover with grace, I lunged my other foot forward to take a giant, saving step. But there was no hope. No grace. No saving to be had in that step. I'm not clear on the exact sequence of events from here on, but I know that I landed on my knee, bounced forward, landed on another part of my knee, skidded forward, and scraped up a hip, an elbow and a hand. I don't know how I managed to make contact with the concrete on so many different points of my body, but I trust that my gradual, face-planting process was quite a sight for passers by.

I laid there for a second, stunned, embarrassed, and laughing. Did I really just manage to sprawl myself out this way just by running? At least when I broke my ankle while rollerblading, I had the excuse of getting my wheel caught in railroad tracks. But this? This was just unacceptable. I stood up and surveyed the damages. Bleeding hand and knee, scraped hip and elbow. Each stinging and mildly throbbing. Go home and clean myself up or keep going? I determined that going home at this point would mean accepting the bitter truth that I am less physically fit and less coordinated than I have ever been in my life. I refused to have that and determined to instead forge ahead with my denial, assuring myself that I could still salvage a good run from this outing. So I continued to the trail and finished the expedition without further incident.

When I shared this story with Nitin, he told me that I'm a dumbass. I solemnly agreed. He then formed a theory, based on this incident and my ankle-breaking rollerblade incident of May '03.
"I think that you just get so excited about nice weather that you get overzealous and lose all control. HeehahahHEhewwhEEhAhahaha!!!! Yeah! I'm outside! Splat."

I think he's onto something. :)

Silly freshman

2005-05-08T22:30:00.000-04:00

I feel like a freshman in college.

1. Yesterday, I ordered a laptop (actually Nitin ordered it for me because he knows more about computers and he's really nice sometimes.) So, I'll be all set with my brand new computer for my first day of school! YEAH! :)

2. Then today I sat down with all seven of my TFA pre-Institute curriculum books, and started to chip away at the TFA-estimated FORTY-THREE HOURS of assigned readings. After roughly 30 pages of: "just because your students are minorities and are performing well below grade level, does not mean that they are hopeless," - stated in umpteen different ways, I determined that I would stop being such a silly freshman and NOT read every word of it.

Anyway....
I don't mean to minimize the value of that message. It's obviously something that I strongly believe, or I wouldn't be in my current line of work, and I wouldn't be pursuing TFA. But honestly? 120 pages to say it? The fact is... being a 23-year-old white female in a classroom of African-American 12-15 year-olds is going to present its share of challenges. Race will inevitably be an issue. I feel somewhat ready for that.

I wasn't ready a year ago, but my job this year has really helped me to begin wrapping my head around what I should expect. During dinner at one of my non-profit's events a few months ago, a parent yanked the arm of her child who had chosen to sit down next to me and start talking. The woman glared at me as she snapped at her child, "You get away from her!" As she pulled her child away and seated her at another table, I heard her say something about "that white girl." I was speechless for a few seconds, then started to realize how crazy it was that I had made it through 23 years of living without EVER being the object of any form of racism. It was a humbling moment, as I started to comprehend how naive I am. The families I was working with week after week had probably experienced many forms of racism throughout their lives. Whether in the form of outward comments and actions like that night at dinner, or in more subtle forms, like skeptical glances or unspoken assumptions. Obviously, this one experience of mine and the handful of others like it that I've encountered this year have not made me a new person.

I am not claiming to understand anyone's situation or experiences. I know I am light years away from being 'worldly' or 'experienced' or fully capable of ridding myself of all internal biases or assumptions. All I am getting at is that it cannot be taught in books.

Prior to moving to D.C., I had taken my share of courses that dealt with multiculturalism and cultural sensitivity in some form or another. And I thought I had a good handle on it. I would never in a million years have considered myself racist or classist, or even anything close to it. But it wasn't until I spent some time in 'under-resourced' neighborhoods, and got acquainted with several 'low-income' families that I began to understand what those labels mean and what effect they have on those to whom they have been assigned.

I started to really pay attention to my initial reactions to things that I heard and saw. I came to realize that I was full of judgments. I did have my biases. And I realized that I had no concept of how profoundly our experiences had differed. In getting to know some of the families I've worked with, I've since learned to approach each situation and individual with a much more open mind. Again, I am faaaar from perfect in this arena... but I think that most people are. And I don't think that reading books alone will change that. While TFA's 120 pages are a valiant attempt at taking on a huge and unspeakably important issue, I have little hope that it will accomplish a fraction of what it aims to.

I don't mean to sound dark and cynical. I just really think that experience allows someone to understand and internalize something as complicated and ingrained as race relations and biases more than any book ever could.... to the point that reading the book is allllmost a waste of time. So I'll stop being a silly freshman who reads every word, and I'll skim it in search of anything interesting that deviates from the redundant 'you're students aren't hopeless' message. Because I think I've got that part down as much as I can at this point.

Ok. Back to reading the other six books.

Barb-n-Jim

2005-05-08T12:07:00.000-04:00

I have mentioned my supportive parents on my blog before. But what I forgot to mention was that Thursday was my dad's birthday! I thiiink he turned 56, but I tend to lose track because neither of my parents look or act their age. (And I mean that in a good way.)

And, of course, I can't forget to say.... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MUPPALUPAGUS!!! (This is a nickname that I gave to my mom back in the day in my attempt to combine 'mom' and the Sesame Street character 'Snuffelupagus.' In hindsight, I'm not sure why I saw it fit to combine those two characters, but the name was created with the best of intentions, and it was meant as a term of endearment.) :)

Anyway, my parents are awesome. They've done soooo much for me, and they deserve, at the very least, this honorable mention on my blog. I love you guys!

Overwhelmed

2005-05-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

I KNEW as I wrote that post about 'nothing really happening' that it was just the calm before the storm. Yesterday, I had a conference call with about 50 other NYC TFA corps members and a couple TFA admissions staff people. It just walked through testing logistics and preparation.

Turns out, I'm taking those two four-hour exams that I mentioned back-to-back on the same day: June 25. Sweet. I'll be in Philadelphia for training, and I'll have to take a bus to NYC to endure eight hours of testing. I'm looking forward to it. (Oh yeah, and those tests will cost me about $200. That’s roughly nine days of work at my current ‘salary.’) J So, that’s no big deal, I suppose. I knew weeks ago that I’d be taking two lengthy exams I would need to study for.

What I did NOT know was that I would be shipped seven THICK books of pre-training curriculum that I have to work through before June 19^th. I have to conduct school visits and classroom observations in D.C. before going to the Philly training, and I’m supposed to read each of the books, prepare ‘reflections,’ and answer all of the questions in said books. These spiraled bundles of joy each sport a bright, inviting cover and bear the following titles:

Teaching as Leadership
Instructional Planning and Delivery
Learning Theory
Diversity, Community & Achievement
Classroom Management & Culture
Elementary Literacy
Secondary Literacy

They sound interesting enough, and I’m sure that they’re full of valuable information. But I’m getting worried. (Which is unfortunately my useless go-to emotion in these situations.) They said that I should not plan on getting aaaany exam prep in once Institute starts because they give us more work there than we can really keep up with as it is. So, I basically have until I move in mid-June to cram for my exams and work through all of the pre-Institute curriculum and school visit assignments.

Also, it looks like I might go to NYC next wknd for an accepted applicants event where we’ll schmooze with a lot of NYC principals and do mock interviews. I also have to get a physical exam, a tuberculosis test, and a few shots. And I need to submit my site preference form and letters of recommendation to the university where I’ll be taking my grad school classes in September. And I should figure out how I’m going to move and where I’m going to move my things TO for my upcoming homeless months. And somewhere in there, I’d like to purchase a laptop to replace my piece of shit computer that is now on its third reinstallation of Windows 98 because it keeps crashing. (TFA strongly recommends bringing a computer to the training.) Oh, and I should find an apt in NYC at some point too.

I’m hyperventilating a little.

Oops. I sharted.

(That’s only funny if you’ve seen the ok-but-not-great movie, Along Came Polly, and aren’t easily grossed out.)

Interesting article, but no time

2005-05-04T17:19:00.000-04:00

I found this Washington Post article on yet another initiative to improve struggling DCPS schools interesting.

I have a lot to say about it, but unfortunately, I'm at work and can't spare the time to write my thoughts out.

But read it if you have some downtime and post comments. I'd be interested to see what people think of the ideas they've come up with for DCPS.

Fabulousness

2005-05-02T23:58:00.000-04:00

I just spent a fantastic weekend with an incredibly charming and devilishly good-looking guy who was kind enough to double as my math tutor for a few hours to help me prepare for my exams.
Sinead has been insanely helpful with offering TFA insights and other valuable advice.
My family has stopped asking, “Now, why would ya wanna go and do a thing like that?” re: moving to and teaching in NYC, and they’ve started to be extremely supportive and excited for me.
My friend from work, Josh, who is a TFA alum, does a giddy, Pillsbury doughboy-like move every time he talks to me about my upcoming training and teaching.
I learned today that ‘fabulousness’ IS a word.

In case you missed it....

2005-05-02T22:34:00.000-04:00

I'm still in search of middle school level 'boy books.' In case my request for comments and suggestions got lost in my last post, I wanted to make a seperate one to make sure everyone saw it. Please comment or email me!

Hostility

2005-04-29T12:14:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the delay in my updates. According to my site meter, I have more fingers than viewers so far, so I didn't think anyone would care much if I let it slide for a bit. :) Obviously, I was wrong. This crazed 'Nitin' character seems to be just dyyyying to know what's going on in my TFA saga.

Which brings me to my reason for not posting. Nothing is really happening. I have to submit a résumé so TFA can distribute it to principals. I'll submit it today or tomorrow, after I add some finishing touches. (Like the $12,000 grant I just won for the Literacy Through Photography program!!! YEAH!!!!)

In June and August, I will take two four-hour exams that tell the the NYC Dept. of Ed whether I'm competant enough to teach. I've heard people joke before about these exams being ridiculously easy. But I've also read the NYCTF message boards where fellows have posted, saying that they're fairly difficult. I've developed an intense math phobia over the last 5 years, so I anticipate that at least PART of these exams will be tough for me. Hopefully, I can adequately prepare myself over the next month and a half.

I also need to get re-immunized (ie. SHOTS- another phobia, but not quite as daunting as numbers).

Other than that, there's just a lot of waiting. Waiting for the week-long regional induction in June, waiting for training to start the following week, waiting to hear from principals. And, in the meantime, trying to figure out what I'll do with my (not so) valuable belongings for the month that I'm training in Philly, but still wondering where in NYC I'll be assigned. I'm not that worried about it yet. I'll figure something out.

On a much more exciting note, I'm stalking up on BOOOOKS!!! The non-profit I work at is having its annual used book sale, and we're allowed to take a bunch for ourselves. So I've gathered some of my favorite titles from my youth to build up a classroom library. :)

VERY IMPORTANT REQUEST: Middle school-level books tend to be very divided between 'boy books' and 'girl books.' I've got the girl books covered, but I'm having a hard time picking out good boy books. PLEASE OFFER SUGGESTIONS IF YOU HAVE ANY! Guys, what books did you enjoy in middle school? (or late elementary school because my students will most likely be a bit behind). And girls with any knowledge on the matter, (Jennifer, Caryn, Alyssa...), please comment or email me!

Also, since this blog is still in its infancy and doesn't have a following or 'voice' yet, I reserve the right to post about whatever I want. (Maybe or maybe not education or TFA-related.) I might occassionally decide to post about random thoughts or observations. Just an FYI.

Thank you for your time.
(and a special thank you to CHAD, for his positive, non-harassing comments and his patience. What a kind, supportive individual! :)

Researching and deciding

2005-04-21T23:24:00.000-04:00

I started the application process with nerves of steel, picturing myself taking on all of the challenges that I knew would exist wherever I taught. Upon getting accepted to both, those visions quickly faded and self-questioning took over. Can I handle a middle school classroom? Are these kids going to chew me up and spit me out? What kind of special ed kids are we talking about here? When are they going to tell me what age I’ve been assigned to? What part of NYC am I in? What would a typical day look like? How much would my masters cost in each program? Who would offer better support?

As I set out to get my questions answered, TFA truly stepped up to the plate. The NYCTF email and phone admissions folks were markedly less knowledgeable and slower to get back to me. I was given contradictory advice by two different admissions reps about whether to turn in my commitment form, resulting in a long delay of my region placement. Since my April 6^th acceptance, it is STILL not posted what age or region I will work with. A phone rep told me District 75 today. It’s made up of entirely special ed schools (no gen. ed. classrooms) that house students with severe disabilities, emotional disturbances and behavioral disorders. Still no verdict on what age I’d work with. I told the woman I spoke with that tomorrow was the last day I could register for the my necessary tests. I needed to know which to register for, based on what I’d be teaching. I can’t make that decision without knowing where and who I’m teaching. She shrugged my dilemma off with ease. I asked if I could be put in touch with a current D75 NYCTF fellow. “Ummm…. I don’t think so. You can register for your spring visit though.” Worthless. Those don’t take place for another month or so. I want input NOW, BEFORE making a decision.

Contrast that to TFA. The man who interviewed me left me a voicemail the DAY I was accepted into the program, congratulating me and telling me how excited he was about the prospect of me having my own classroom, how he enjoyed meeting me, saw a lot of potential, etc. Suddenly all of that ‘feel good crap’ was feeling pretty good. Then I got a call from a NYC TFA rep, asking if I had any questions. I fired away for about 45 minutes with questions. She answered them all easily and had people contact me the next day with the few that she was not able to field. As much as I hate all the TFA rhetoric about joining ‘the movement’ and saving the world, I have to say that they are incredibly put together and seemingly well-run. That goes a long way when you’re uprooting your life to attempt teaching in a low-income school. You want a solid program that has your back and is there to answer your questions. I can deal with cheesy slogans and warm fuzziness if it’s going to get me into a classroom and give me a shot at pursuing something I’m really passionate about while providing me with a reliable support network.

The ‘tough shit, you’re on your own’ vibe I got from NYCTF since my acceptance has been very off-putting. And, I think, unfortunate. There’s a huge shortage of special ed teachers, and I was very seriously considering giving it my all. But I’m not going to dive into such a challenging endeavor before knowing whether I’ll be able to rely on support from the program that gets me there. If they’d been willing to work with me, put me in touch with someone to talk with about their special ed experiences in NYC, and tell me what age I’d be teaching so I could make an informed decision, they might have another special ed teacher putting a dent in the shortage. But until they get those kinks worked out, they’ll continue to lose people who feel unsupported and under-informed. I trust those things will happen in the coming years, but for now, I'm going with the seemingly more trustworthy, responsive, supportive program.

I sent my TFA commitment form in a couple days ago. Despite my distaste for their marketing materials. :)

The Results are IN!!!

2005-04-21T22:31:00.000-04:00

I found out on April 6th that I got into NYCTF to teach special ed- no age given yet. I found out on April 14th that I got into TFA in NYC to teach secondary language arts.

TOUGH CALL.

I like words. A lot. Reading them. Writing them. And, presumably, teaching kids how to use them. I think I could have a lot of fun trying to get students engaged in an English class. Secondary ed though. I hadn't thought of that possibility before. I went into this whole application process, planning to become an elementary teacher. But language arts... very tempting.

I have worked with elementary special needs students in the past. In a very limited capacity, but I loved it. I found it fun, fulfilling, interesting, challenging. But I discovered after my acceptance into NYCTF that it would be a three-year commitment, not two, as I had originally thought. Cold feet. Can I really commit to something that I know SO little about and have such limited experience with? Could a mere seven weeks of training prepare me for NYC’s special ed students? Especially when I know that a lot of under-resourced schools funnel their behavior problem students into special ed just to get them out of the general ed classrooms?

Then the emotional meltdown… Do I want to commit to two or three years in NYC when my boyfriend is thinking about going to grad school in Boston for another three years? One year of a distance relationship under our belts. Am I up for three more? Anxious. Indecisive. Emotional.

Relationship issues follow that winning mix. NOT helping.

Interview #2: TFA Interview Day

2005-04-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks after my New York City Teaching Fellows “interview event,” I also interviewed with Teach for America. Crazy differences. TFA was so starry-eyed, feel good, and fluffy. I walked away with a bad taste, certain I would pursue NYCTF instead, if given the choice.

The interview format was the same, but the questions asked and scenarios posed seemed so far removed from any reality we might face in the classroom. They asked us to analyze a proposed educational policy for a fictional congresswoman for the writing sample. The small group discussion was all theory. We discussed what indicators we thought most impacted student performance. It’s a great topic for any potential teacher to be thinking about, but the question didn’t seem like one that could lend many insights into how much teaching potential someone had. It was very academic and I thought disconnected from what they should have been looking for. I liked the way NYCTF tried to get at how each candidate might work with difficult parents, challenging administrators, and behavior problem or academically lagging students. Having or not having those skills will determine one’s success as a teacher. Not their ability to analyze ed policy. Sure, both involve critical thinking and seeking the best possible approach, but NYCTF seemed to get at the heart of it more directly and effectively.

The TFA interviewers each offered lengthy, heart-warming success stories of their brief stints as TFA corps members, compared to the curt and blunt introductions of the NYCTF interviewers. Everyone in the TFA room wore a half smile as they imagined themselves touching the lives of each student they encountered. I sensed more urgency, seriousness and maybe even some fear in the NYCTF interview room. It felt very real. The highlight of the TFA day though, I have to admit, was getting the opportunity to feel like an individual during the one-on-one interview. It wasn’t rushed, and my interviewer asked very pointed, personalized questions that really tested how well I could think on my toes. He tripped me up a couple times, and I appreciated that.

The after-interview survey asked “How inspiring were the marketing materials you received from TFA?” I wrote that I disliked them because they were too Dangerous Minds-esque and gave an unrealistic picture of what the job would entail.

Despite enjoying the one-on-one interview, I was very certain I wanted NYCTF more. I was drawn to the no-nonsense approach of its interviewers and their honest portrayal of the work its teachers would do.

More waiting....

New Kid

2005-04-21T21:45:00.000-04:00

Ummm.... right. So, I'm pretty new to blogging. Exhibit A: my first post. Waaay too long and detailed. Mental note. I'll keep them shorter and sweeter from now on. My apologies to anyone who attempted to read that beast. But thank you for your interest. :)

Step One: NYCTF Interview Day

2005-04-21T21:23:00.000-04:00

Sooo… The day I created this blog, I wrote this….

****

I'm not a teacher yet, but I'm crossing my fingers that that will change by September. I interviewed yesterday with New York City Teaching Fellows, and I have an interview lined up for March 24 with Teach for America.

Yesterday's interview was- in a word-- bizzarre. I've never walked away from an interview feeling so clueless. In the past, I've gone home feeling like I nailed it or I blew it. But this time, I left wondering how the interviewers were possibly going to select their teachers based on that. The interview format left little to no room to shine. The day went as follows...

I arrived at the massive, beautiful Irving Washington High School in Manhattan embarrassingly early. So I strolled along to a small cafe a couple blocks away where I drank a mediocre-tasting smoothie. As I sipped away and mentally rehearsed my teaching sample for the bazillionth time, an excessively smiley group of waitstaff clustered in the corner and I think talked about me in Spanish. I would have talked about me too. I looked ridiculous. I walked in carrying a heavy, awkward bag filled with a binder full of education articles and lesson props, fumbled with it as I sat down, looked around nervously, and began frantically scribbling down notes about my leadership style, why I want to teach, etc.... anticipating the one-on-one interview questions. Forty-five minutes later, it was go-time. I put my game face on and strode confidently back to the school, ready to field any hard-hitting question they threw my way.

Two aloof security guards mumbled something about the elevator to the second (?) seventh (?) floor when I greeted them by eagerly announcing that I was there for the New York City Teaching Fellows interview. I chuckled at myself as I headed for the elevators, wondering why I expected the guards to give me any more enthusiasm than they had. They've probably seen thousands of faces exactly like mine... idealistic, eager, smiling, clueless. I boarded the old elevator with about five other candidates, asking each other if the guards said second or seventh. We decided on seventh and wandered into a hallway where a line of at least 15 other candidates had already formed. All were dead silent. We took our place at the back of the line, and I let my Minnesota nice take over as I struck up a conversation with the girl behind me.

She graduated with a religious studies BA. A year and a half ago I would have mentally noted the worthlessness of her degree, but I found myself envying her. She probably at least learned some incredibly interesting things about philosophy, history and world cultures. Earning my journalism degree was not only uninteresting, but it was also proving to be completely worthless since my decision not to pursue a career in advertising. I had learned very little, retained even less, and I was kicking myself for attempting to choose a ‘practical’ major, as opposed to an interesting one.

I finally made it to the front of the line where a young, uncertain-looking man informed me that I would be in group I. (I was later informed that he was a student at one of the high schools where teaching fellows were placed.) I proceeded to my assigned room, where I sparked conversations with the other candidates. Of the six people in my interview group, maaaybe three seemed certain of their desire to be there. The others remarked that they thought teaching might be kinda fun or shrugged as they revealed that they really didn’t know what they wanted to do, but that they just hated their current jobs.

Enter interviewers. Two women walked briskly into the room, each eying their watches. The one in the glasses began. “Alright. My name’s (can’t remember). I’ve been teaching in New York City public schools for 12 years. I love my job, but it’s hard work, and you shouldn’t be here if you aren’t going to work your ass off.” Done. The red head with all the curls chimed in, “I’m (can’t remember). I taught for a few years. Now I work with the Dept. of Ed, and I’ll be supporting the fellows this year.” Done. They burped out a few instructions about how the lesson plan portion of the interview would be run and took their seats in the back of the room with their clipboards, pens and stopwatches.

Each person delivered their five-minute sample teaching lessons. Some more effectively than others. I taught onomatopoeia, and I thought I did fairly well. Though it was impossible to gauge any sort of reaction from my interviewers because neither of them looked up from their papers and racing pens throughout the entire five minutes. “Come on! I’m tipping over chairs, pouring water, and blowing up balloons up here! Can I get some eye contact, please?” I cursed the missed opportunity to stick out and hoped deep down that they were writing rave reviews of my creative approach to the lesson.

Onto the discussion portion. We were split into two groups made up of three candidates and one interviewer. The interviewer gave us the scenario of being a teacher who just found out about a high-stakes test her class needed to pass, followed by comments made to her by 1) another teacher, 2) a principal and 3) a parent, regarding the upcoming testing. I liked the question. It felt realistic and applicable. The discussion that ensued was kind of lame because the three of us took turns spewing forced pleasantries like, “Yes, I really like the point you made about x… and I’d like to build on it by also highlighting y…” It was fine, but definitely the most unnatural conversation I’ve ever had, and I again felt like there was no room to stand out because we just kept agreeing with each other and “building.” The interviewer stayed silent and continued to frantically write out our every word.

Next the writing sample. We were given 20 minutes to write a letter to the parents of our imaginary students, given the scenario that those students had widely varying ability levels and some of their parents had called our principal, upset that the students’ test scores weren’t improving. Again, great question, I thought. A very conceivable situation.

It was finally time for the one-on-one interview, and I was reeeeallly eager to demonstrate how right I was for the job. I had done so much research, brainstormed so many potential questions and solid responses, and I had always prided myself on my ability to connect with and charm my interviewer. I walked in, took my seat, and she began with the questions. “Can you tell me about the approach you took in your writing sample?” Sweet. I had a lot to say about that, so I was feeling good. But again, the woman refused to look up from her paper, as she wrote out my every word. She followed with several questions that felt kind of ‘off,’ but I wasn’t entirely sure. Then, ten minutes into the 20-minute interview, she asked, “Can you tell me more about your experience as a physical education teacher?” WHAT?! I’ve never taught phys ed. She had the wrong file. She’d read someone else’s writing sample, was reading someone else’s résumé and was asking me someone else’s questions. I offered her a few minutes alone to read through my materials, but she declined and proceeded to ask me a series of generic questions. Again, my chance to shine was BLOWN! Frustrated, I attempted to salvage what remained of the factory interview before heading out into the hallway, where I chatted with a few other candidates.

I came to realize throughout the day that I learned more about urban education at my non-profit job this year than I had realized. Most of the people I talked to seemed wholly unaware of what went on in low-income schools. …Unresponsive administrators, the pressures of high stakes testing, the challenge of unsupportive parents, the ever-looming mystery that is classroom management. This was called to my attention through comments made by fellow interviewees like, “But these are children who need to learn in school! Why wouldn’t an administration be supportive?” Huh?! I mean, I didn’t want to be full of myself, but I definitely felt at that moment like I might be more ready for this than I’d given myself credit for. If nothing else, at least I’ve got a leg up on those who had clearly never worked with an inner city school. Having an idea of what to expect would be a step in the right direction.

I’m just crossing my fingers that I somehow left a favorable impression through that impersonal mass interview. Now the waiting….